Let’s Not Panic Minnesota… Yet…

Alright Minnesota, we need to have a quick chat before game 5 tonight. I can tell in your posture that you want to smash that panic button way to early on this series like Danny McBride in Tropic Thunder when he blew up half the jungle yelling, “Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit.” So… Minnesotans… yes, I’m talking to you Terry down in Wanoia who took his Wolves flag down and hung up a Twins flag after last night’s loss and said, “Well… it was a good year.” You put that flag back up Terry, you put it up right now! Imagine if there was a Terry in Winona who actually took his flag down and is now putting it back up after reading this… saying “You know what Brett you're right!” Anyways… The whole state seems to have its shoulders slumped and heads hung low so much so I looked at Google Maps last night after the game and even our beautiful arrowhead point that gives our state structure and definition, seemed to even be drooping in shame. From what I could see I think we are leaning closer towards Wisconsin, just ever so slightly and we don’t need to be any closer to Wisconsin than we already are, we have enough beer and cheese here we don’t need anymore. Umm... I just realized what I said, and I take everything back… I’m sorry Wisconsin I didn’t mean it. We can never have enough beer and cheese. I love you. Especially your lake filled city of Hayward and your Leinenkugel Summer Shandy…

I know things seem bleaker than the end of the latest James Bond film “No Time To Die”, especially with the Joker back to playing at an MVP level again, or is he? To be honest I can never tell him with him, he always seems so bored and tired with basketball, I think that means he is having a good game though. Who knows what that oversized horse jockey is actually thinking… But one guy you know who isn’t bored and tired is Jamal Murray…he hasn’t… well… missed a shot in what seems like the last two games. “Hey Jamal quit showing off we know your good… Could you… I dunno… miss a shot maybe once at Target Center. You’re making children and grown men cry… mostly grown men but we have feelings too…” He can’t miss, it’s like he has a Call of Duty aimbot attached to his right hand. Case and point Jamal hit one of the greatest half courts shots, I’ve ever seen on Sunday night.

The wolves finally reeled the nuggets with in 10 before Anthony Edwards drove into the lane and decided to dribble the ball off Gobert's size 20 shoe, thus causing a turnover and an easy dunk by Porter on the other end with 1.9 seconds left in the half. I thought the half was over at that point. So, I got up to get another Coca-Cola and refill my popcorn bowl when I heard the enthusiastic voice of Kevin Harlan yell, “It’s good if it goessss… Got it! Got it! Got it!” That's when I looked back over my shoulder at the TV and saw Jamal Murray with folded arms staring down Kevin Harlan… and the only thing that crossed my mind was “son of *****!” I sat down, jammed some popcorn down my throat (stress eating) and watched the replay where I saw Alexander-Walker make an errant pass right to the cradling hands of Jamal Murray. After he intercepted the pass, it didn’t take long for him to ballet step around a wolves defender and huck up a shot from half court. Swish… not take out a small loan from the bank and then swish… just swish… It had to be one of the best half court shots I’ve ever seen.

After the net made the sound of skiers carving their skis into a mountain side ski slope… well good skiers carving down a ski slope… if it was me, there would be a lot of swishing sounds from my jacket hitting the icy floor repeatedly, as i go tumbling down the mountain side, until I would give up and say, “F this I need a drink…” Anyways once that majestic shot went in, the air in Target Center got sucked out quicker than the end of “Spaceballs The Movie” when spaceball 1 turned into a giant vacuum and started sucking the air out of planet Druidia. That was until Lone Star saved the day by defeating Lord Helmet with a little help from his Schwartz and returning the air back to planet Druidia. We needed a Loan Star on Sunday, and no one was up to the task… Lord Helmet never returned the air back Target Center and the Nuggets ended up winning 115-107.

Like I said earlier I know it looks pretty darn bleak and we usually love to lay down and hibernate when our sports franchises are at the bleakest. Especially when Jamal Murray is making shots like that and with the Joker looking more bored than usual (always a scary sight). But hey the series is tied! We aren’t down, why are our heads down! We know how to take them down on their home court! We have the firepower to make them piss their pant suits! So, hike up those pampers! Put those Twins flags away and rehang that weathered Wolves flag. It’s not baseball season yet! I need all of Minnesota to lift those heads up high. I’m talking to you Terry Waconia, I’m talking to you Jill in Luverne, I’m talking to your Ottis in Warroad and I’m talking to you Gunther in Grand Portage. We need everyone from every corner of this strange, strange state with funny sounding accents to lift those heads high, pull you're Schwartz out of the closet and become Loan Stars, to stop our deciduous forest arrow head from leaning in shame.

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy Game 5 tonight at 9:30 pm central… Wait really? 9:30 pm… not am but pm... oooh golly that’s late… Well, I’ll be taking a nap this afternoon…

Go yawnnnnnn Wolves!

Last Lap Lando.

It’s kind of a strange thought but to be honest I can only think of a handful of times where I have felt genuine happiness for an athlete and their accomplishments. I mean you feel good for people all the time but genuine happiness towards athlete because you know how hard they have worked to get to a point in their career. Now that’s rare. The first person that comes to mind is Sergio Garcia when he finally broke through at The Masters back 2017 and captured that elusive major title that he had been chasing since he was a young energetic teenager going toe to toe with Tiger for the 1999 PGA Championship at Medinah. Speaking of Tiger, he is also one of those people as well. Now I know what you're thinking, “but Brett he’s a billionaire who cheated on his life 100 times…” Well, that’s a true statement but doesn’t that make it such a better story when he pulled off the greatest sports comeback in history by winning the 2019 Masters tournament after countless scandals, countless back surgeries and a car accident that almost took his life if it wasn’t for a top safety pick Genesis GV80 SUV. For some reason I couldn’t help but feel great for that man. It actually brought a small tear to my eye when I saw him hug his son behind 18 green. I think it resonates differently with Tiger because we are all human and we all make mistakes even Tiger despite his name and his larger-than-life persona. But, to see someone overcome all that it’s pretty darn neat to say the least.

Golf isn’t the only place where I feel genuine joy for athletes, the world of football has all sorts of incredible stories of battling through the hills and valleys to reach the mountain top. But Matt Stafford is the one that comes to mind, after everything he went through in Detroit, from constant injuries, horrible offensive lines and The Lions franchise being… Well… The Lions franchise. To see him finally lift The Lombardi Trophy for the Rams back in 2021 sent shivers down my spine. Even though it wasn’t for the Lions he deserved it. No quarterback tried harder to carry a franchise to the championship in Detroit than Matt and it was great to see that gray bearded broken body finally rewarded for his efforts. Lastly, I can’t forget about when John Daly's son John Daly II signed an NIL deal with Hooters. How could you not feel great for that kid, piggy backing off his dad’s success from his Happy Gilmore lifestyle. The only thing I’m surprised by is that it wasn’t Marlboro or Miller Lite…

On Sunday one of those rare moments of joy felt towards an athlete happened again down in Miami but it came in the unlikely form of a 5’8” F1 driver with curly hair and an intoxicating smile from the Art metropolis of Bristol, United Kingdom. After 110 attempts and 16 podium finishes, Lando Norris got his first career Formula 1 victory at the Miami Grand Prix. On a track he has said he doesn’t like very much. Well, I bet it’s his new favorite track now… Lando spent most of his day on Sunday battling for a top 5 position. That was until everyone pitted but Lando. The #4 orange and black Google Chrome McLaren stayed out on track to take over the lead and as luck would have it on lap 28 the HAAS of Kevin Magnussen and The Williams of Logan Sargeant decided to bump uglies in turn 3 causing both cars to go twirling into the wall, bringing out the Grand Prix’s first and final safety car of the day. That accident gave Lando the opportunity to pit under the safety car which afforded him the ability to maintain the lead headed into the restart.

After the HAAS and Williams got carried off the track by a grizzly little thing named Fork Lift, the racing began again and Lando took full advantage of the clean air by blocking the dominant Max Verstappen’s charging Red Bull into turn 1. After that block Lando was gone like a giraffe’s neck from its torsos. He jumped out to a 3 second lead by lap 40. But, suddenly on that same lap Max Verstappen’s staticky team radio filled with these worrying words, “I can’t get the car to turn, it’s a disaster.” It was at this point that my brain started to comprehend the fact that, “Oh, Bleep… this might actually happen for one of the sports good guys and best drivers without a win, Lando Norris.” I just kept thinking man Lap 57 couldn’t come fast enough for the British driver.

When Lap 57 finally arrived (which felt like an eternity) and there was no Red Bull within 7 seconds, the camera panned to an orange and black McLaren sprinting down the final few corners at The Miami Grand Prix. That’s when Alex Jacques open his mic and spoke these few words with elegance, “It’s a landmark day for Lando!” Lando then came on the radio letting out the most exulted celebration that you could ever hear over the airwaves. “Woooooooooo! Woooooo! About ******* Time! I love you all! I love you all! We Did It Will, We Did It!!!” Lando screamed out over his team’s radio as he was making his rounds around the track waving to all his fans in the stands. But something else peculiar happened while he was making his victory lap…

Every driver on the grid seemed to drive right up next to Lando’s McLaren and give him a giant thumbs up and started clapping their hands in congratulations for the young British driver. If you don’t think this is a worthy champion for a Grand Prix, then you should talk to his fellow drivers. When all your peers almost crash into trying to give you congratulations then you must be worthy in my eyes. The praise didn’t stop there. Driver, Team radios filled with compliments for Lando on his first win. None of which were happier for Lando than his fellow British driver and 7-time world champion Lewis Hamilton. Once he heard Lando had won he let out an exhausted but enthusiastic, “Woo! Amazing, well done to Norris, well done.”

Carlos Sainz, Charles Leclerc, Max Verstappen, George Russell, Daniel Ricciardo all walked over and gave Lando a big sweaty hug after the race just knowing how hard he had worked for this and how much he deserves this win. After all the dust had settled and “God Save The Queen” stopped playing over the loudspeakers, A shower of Ferrari champagne rained down on Lando and his team from his fellow podium finishing companions Max and Charles. But through all the bubbles and suds you could still see a white toothed smiling Lando not being able to contain his genuine joy for his first ever Formula 1 Win! Man, you have to feel good for that young man, he is one of the sports best and he finally has a trophy to go along with all that admiration. I think the Pit Stop Boys said it best though, in their hit single “Let’s Go Lando…”

“They call him last lap Lando

I can't wait to see you win, bro

When you're out there, you are flying

Yes, you are electrifying

Man, you've got the pace

So, let's go race

The best has yet to come

You took our heart in many ways

We love you like a son.”

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy the Day!

Dear Sean Peyton’s, Smug Face Part IV: Draft Day!

Soooo, let me get this right, stop me at any moment if any of this information is wrong. After dumping every good asset that the Broncos have acquired over the last… I dunno… 6 years. Your big off-season move was to to sign Mr. Steal Your Girl, Zach Wilson? Huh, not going to lie, I didn’t see that one coming. I know you and the Broncos organization are swimming in enough dead cap that 23-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps would drown, but this… this was your big offseason free agency signing. We’re going to try and chase down the the top of our division which includes the likes of Patrick Mahomes and Justin Herbert, with I’m seeing ghost… Zach Wilson??? “Umm excuse me Mr. Brett, Zach Wilson didn’t see ghost that was Sam Darnold.” “Oh yeah, your right that’s my fault, I get shitty Jets QBs mixed up all the time… now I know… Zach was the butt fumble guy.” “Ummm nooo that was Mark Sanchez…” “Boy I thought Denver had it rough…”

I know I ask this a lot with you, but umm, what’s the a… actual… a… plan here? I’m just wondering, did you sign Zach Wilson to come in and help guide a young rookie quarterback through his first year on how-to pick-up moms at an Applebees after 9pm on Tuesday? (Halfatizers am i right?) Did you sign him hoping that he could bring some Aaron Rodgers Ayahuasca knowledge to the team? Did you sign him to teach players how to properly tie a headband, so the hair sticks out justttt ever so slightly, that when the harsh Rocky Mountain breeze comes skiing down the mountains and hits those blond flowing locks, every mom in America comes sprinting over and says, “My daughter Stacy would be perfect for you.” Or did you sign him to be the starter thinking you can turn any quarterback into Drew Brees? Because we saw how well that went last year… Whatever the case may be, I hope you know what you're doing inside that sweat-stained visor of yours.

Since I got you here, what are your thoughts on the draft? Are we thinking of drafting the leftover scraps of the quarterbacks in the first round like Bo Nix or Michael Penix Jr.? Maybe a little offensive lineman to protect the newly acquired quarterback, I’ve heard it’s the best o-line draft class in a long time, wouldn’t hate that. What about one of those explosive receivers, to go up and catch some of those wounded ducks that will be flying over Mile High. Ahhh I know… I know... what you’re scheming in between those sweat stains… a trade. Who is it with? The Bears? Are we trading up to get Caleb Williams? "No Brett… that would cost way too much…" I don’t hate the idea of trading up to like 4th or 5th to go get one of the elite receivers like Marvin Harrison Jr. or Malik Nabers and then drafting a quarterback in the second round… But if you do decide to trade up, please, please don’t do so to take J.J. McCarthy, the last thing we need is another Zach Wilson roaming around the facility. There are clearly so many different scenarios that could happen on draft day, but I got one for you that might be beneficial for multiple teams…

I know the Chargers are in the same division as the Broncos and this trade is probably impossible but imagine if you could trade for an even better set of blonde locks than Zach Wilson and these don’t need a headband to make them look better… Justin Herbert might be available which is crazy to think about. Now hear me out, Jim Harbaugh loves his Michigan guys more than anything on this planet. So, we take advantage of that by trading I dunno… 3… maybe 4… first round picks (we have done it in the past for a worse quarterback) for Justin Herbert. Jim gets to keep his pick at 5, which will allow him the opportunity to draft his national championship winning quarterback from Michigan, J.J. McCarthy. But most importantly he gets an Applebee’s sized menu of picks to build around his young quarterback with. If your Jim, it kind of makes sense to trade Justin Herbert as crazy as it sounds.

I am far from a draft expert that’s for sure and I am even farther away from having the credentials or the brain capacity to be a GM in the NFL. I will leave this up to the experts of the world to try and figure out what’s best for the franchise even though it kind of seems like nobody knows how to evaluate quarterback play and how could you. It’s a giant leap from college to the NFL and nobody knows how these young kids will be able to handle playing quarterback against grown men who have being studying film for 30 plus years and know if your third eyelash from the right twitches ever so slightly you're throwing a swing pass to running back in the flat. If that wasn’t hard enough, just trying to handle life outside the comforter blanket of the facility must be an impossible task in itself with all the fans yelling you suck to overwhelming merchandising deals with companies that are doing nothing but trying to screw you over. Speaking of getting screwed over now you gotta look out for long time interrupter friends stealing your money to gamble. Me personally could never handle the day to day pressure of being the face of a billion dollar franchise. I would crumble into a million pieces and get picked up by a momma Bald Eagle, flown to the top of a red pine and be fed to her little Eaglets for dinner. I can see why a-lot of these first round quarterbacks bust, it truly is a lot of pressure for such a young person to grasp.

Well Sean, do I agree with the Zach Wilson trade? No, not at all, but I’m a fan, which means I think with that slow beating thing in chest instead of my decaying brain, but that doesn’t mean I could be proven wrong about Zach. I know the Jets have a way of messing up every young quarterback's career from Mark Sanchez to Sam Darnold. But who knows, under the right tutelage Zach could be great; I mean he was the 2nd overall pick in the 2021 draft after all. He must have some enduring qualities to be drafted that high besides his ability to wear a headband, but I wouldn’t have the slightest clue. I may not know anything about draft analysis, quarterback analysis, offensive line analysis or what X-Y-wide-left-tango-foxtrot-carrot-hunting-rabbit means when it’s being called at the line by gravelly voiced quarterback. But one thing I do know is that the local Denver Applebees are going to have lines out the door with people just trying to introduce their daughters to Zach Wilson’s tightly wrapped headband…

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy the 2024 NFL Draft.