Gustav The High-ly Trained Secret Agent.

Prologue:

There’s a crispness in the air on summer mornings in Stockholm, Sweden that have a habit of getting me out of bed faster than you can say “free needles.” But when you’re still high on meth and heroin from the night before you need something to get going in the morning and the frigid morning air is just the cure, well that and a full pot of steaming hot Zoegas Coffee. Ohhhh, do I love Zoegas. I like the Forza version the best, it’s an extra dark roast and when that motor oil hits the back of the throat you can feel the jolt of caffeinated energy hit right away. Some people say, “The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.” That’s a lie… The best part of waking up is Zoegas in your cup.

Hi there, I’m Gustav Eriksson and I’m addicted to every substance on the planet from caffeine to meth and everything in between, you name it, I enjoy doing it. But I’m not some junky on the side of street selling empty cans of Diet Coke just looking for my next fix. But instead, it’s kind of my job to be high all the time… Hold on, hold on, before you go jumping to any conclusion about my lifestyle choices, let me take some time to explain… I have one of the strangest professional careers there is. If you would call it a professional career. I am tasked with trying to take down some of the biggest drug rings on the planet all by myself, with no back up, no partner with a plaid deerstalker hat and a magnifying glass smoking who knows what out of a cherrywood pipe. Yeah, I’m talking about you Sherlock, you pompous asshole... it’s ok, him and I go way back actually a pretty nice guy, hell of badminton player. He has a serve on him that would make even Roger Federer stain his all-white Wimbledon shorts… Huh… That reminds me I need to give Sherlock a call, there’s a doubles tourney down at the local community center and I need a partner.

Sorry I get distracted sometimes my doctor tells me it’s because of all the drugs but I think it’s just a minor case of A.D.D. Anyways where was I? Oh yeah that’s right on my own… I have no fancy gadgets that let me propel up the side of buildings, no watch with a secret switch that sprays knock out gas, no Aston Martin with machine guns for headlights. It’s just me and my two-fist named Henrik and Lundqvist. Yes, they are named after the handsome North Sea blue eyed Swedish goaltender, what’s it to ya. The only so-called gadget I have besides Henrik and Lundqvist, is a watch I got from my great grandpa when I was born, that tells time pretty darn well and to this day, it has never let me down.

But for the most part I am on my own and if I get caught well… let’s just say I better not get caught. Because nobody is coming to save me from the dark hell holes where I reside most of the time. I guess you could say I’m a very “high” James Bond. Well James Bond without the fancy tailored suits and MI-6 constantly breathing down my neck. At this point I know what you’re wondering, who is it I work for then, if I have no back up, no team, no agency, or any fancy gadgets. I guess you could say I’m sort of a freelance worker that helps governments or cartels but mostly governments take down drug rings inside of their countries that are hindering the people of their great nations, or you know take down the under the table drug dealers so the governments can continue to deal their drugs on a much larger scale because we all know that governments deal way more drugs than Timmy and Billy pushing dime bags out by the dumpster behind their High School. Damn, I forgot about those two I really need to give them a call… those guys get some great weed…

Let me just give them a call real quick…

“Hey Bill, it’s Gustav how ya been my man?”

I’ve been good Gustav, just you know… slaving away trying to make ends meet by dealing weed to these ungrateful teenagers who always want to bargain with me like they are at a sneaker convention. The price for dime bag hasn't changed. Your not going to get it cheaper just becomes your on my water polo team... The nerve of some of these kids is outrageous...”

I hear ya there man… Hey you mind holding on one quick second I gotta talk to some people…”

This may take longer than I thought, Bill is a real yapper. So, while I’m talking to him, let’s take you back a few years in time to where it all began on one fateful night that would change my life forever and how it made me become the High-ly trained secret agent that stands before you today.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

Yesterday started out like every other Sunday in May. I rolled out of bed with indigestion and regret from the midnight Taco Bell run I made the night before after watching the Baluka Whale and the Dallas Mavericks win an amazing back and forth battle with the OKC Thunder to secure a spot in the Western Conference Final. I then popped a few tums and meandered my way over to the fridge, opened the doors and stared into the eyes of my blueberries and strawberries and thought “hmm maybe I should have a healthy breakfast this morning…” I then closed the fridge doors, grabbed my car keys that still had spicy ranch residue on them from the night before and started driving towards McDonalds to pick up 2 sausage burritos and a medium Dr. Pepper, can’t forget the hot picante sauce. I skipped the hash brown today because I remember I was healthy… I pulled into the neighboring parking lot turned on Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift (Taylors Version of course) and started singing along with her while my mouth was full of average tasting eggs and sausage… I like that song while I’m eating because it sounds like her mouth is full of burritos when she is singing the opening sequence. “Mmm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.”

When I got home, I tossed my brown paper bag in the garbage and said to myself, “ok that’s the last time I’m eating that for at least a year…” while sucking down the remanence of my Dr. Pepper. I sat down on my couch wondering why I didn’t get a third burrito and slid open my phone to look up what was on TV today for sports. It didn’t take long for my brain to almost explode from the overstimulation I just saw. We start out across the pond at 10am with the final weekend of English Primer League Soccer where Manchester City looks to claim its 10th Premier League Title. We then head to Kentucky for the PGA Championship with a loaded leader board including the newly acquired inmate to the Kentucky penal system Scottie Scheffler who is a few shots back but if Friday taught us anything, it’s that we should never count that man out. While the leaders are making the turn to play the back nine at Valhalla, Game 7 at The Garden between The Knicks and Pacers tips off. But that’s not it... too end the night we have another Game 7 over in Denver between the Wolves and Nuggets. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to consume all of this… I might need a nap… 

Let’s start across the Atlantic with The Premier League as Manchester City won its final match of the season by beating West Ham 3-1 thus crowning them Premier League champions for the 4th straight year by two points over a up and coming Arsenal team. I don’t think we can put into words how great of an accomplishment that is. No team in the history of the Premier League has ever won 4 straight titles. To put this in terms for the uncultured swine’s over here in the states can understand, it puts them in rarefied championship air with the likes of The New England Patriots, The Chicago Bulls, Montreal Canadiens', and The New York Yankees. Championship teams that we will be remember for the rest of our lives. Well, remember and who we will hate for the rest of our lives… Someone should warn Man City that what comes with this much winning is the hatred of your franchise for the rest of time. It’s kind of sad that what comes with winning is jealousy and hatred from other franchises fan bases throughout the world. Nonetheless congratulations are an order for a team that has now done what we thought was impossible by winning 4 straight titles. Come August Man City and it’s loaded roster will set its sights on a 5th English Premier League Title in a row but I’m sure Arsenal, Liverpool and maybe even Tottenham will have something to say about it this time around.

We move back across the pond to New York City and a little place called Madison Square Garden for a game 7 that had all the makings of being an instant classic… Time Out! The Pacers won by how many? 21 points you say? At the Garden you say? I haven’t seen a disaster that bad at garden since I tried to plant hot pepper plants in February because I saw a video online saying it was good for the plant but after doing my research that person who gave me the advice lived in Arizona… Well, you live, and you learn… Speaking of living and learning Indiana learned how to win on the road at the most famous basketball arena in the world. Did the Knicks get a little banged up? Yes… but that wasn’t the problem for the Knicks. The problem was that Indiana couldn’t miss a basket. The Pacers behind their star guard Tyrese Haliburton shot a staggering 67% from the field and 54% from beyond the arc. I don’t care how banged up you are when a team is that hot, there is literally nothing you can do. I kind of feel bad for Jalen Brunson who played his heart out this playoff run and all he has to show for this series and year was a broken hand and frown to match. But that’s beside the point. The Knicks had a great year but a congratulations is in order, to a well-deserved Indiana team for kicking the teeth in of the Knicks and their crazy New York fanbase at home. But man, oh man, I’m going to miss seeing the garden lit up like that. The NBA playoffs are just a little bit more fun when the Knicks are good.

We have a couple more stops left on our Sunday journey through sports. Let’s head on down to the bluegrass state to check in on the PGA Championship at Valhalla. What scoring bonanza this week at Valhalla which couldn’t have made the PGA Tour very happy with how easy the course was playing. In the PGA’s defense they couldn’t help the fact that there was little to no wind and the course got enough rain to soften my stale bread that has been in the pantry since July 2022 (I should really throw that out). But it seemed like everyone was under par this week… Well, everyone except the old guard. With Phil and Tiger missing the cut on a golf course that was playing as easy as this one, it just goes to show that this new generation has finally come for their stuff. It’s hard to compete with a guy like Bryson hitting the ball 900 yards over every hazard on the golf course while Tiger is out here trying to hit 200-yard stingers on to wet fairways. But hey, with low scores came high drama coming down the stretch between a few golfers all chasing the biggest trophy in golf, The Wanamaker. With a barrage of birdies on the final day from the likes of Bryson Dechambeau, Victor Hovland and Xander Schauffele, it took one more final birdie putt on the 18th from Xander to seal The PGA Championship and his first every major victory. I never thought Xander would ever win a major with his history of bad rounds on the final day of majors. To be honest he reminded me a lot of Rickie Fowler, always the bridesmaid and never the bride. But hey he proved me and the rest of the world wrong when he snuck the winning put in the side door of the 18th cup. Congratulations Xander, well deserved victory you definitely earned this one to say the least.

For our final stop today, we head over to Ball Arena in Denver for game 7 between the Nuggets and the Timberwolves. A game that actually lived up to the hype unlike that game that was played over in New York. How about that Minnesota… huh? How about that bleep! Boy was it looking bleak for a moment in time when Denver just completely shut down everything the Wolves were trying to do offensively. Denver held the wolves to 38 points on 31.6% shooting in the first half. Hell, Anthony Edwards shot a borderline pathic 14% from the field for a total of 4 pts in the first half. It looked like we were going to have another game 7 blowout on Sunday with Denver leading 38-53 at half. I mean the Wolves looked completely lost out there… Whatever Denver was doing it was working and it was working well… that is until it didn’t… The 3rd quarter changed everything about this game and the series, when the Wolves came out of that locker room looking like a different pack all together. They outscored Denver 28-14 in the 3rd thus putting them down only 1 headed into the deciding 4th quarter. I am no basketball expert but from the look of things Denver just looked exhausted in the 4th and the Wolves took full advantage of the weakness they saw. The Nuggets couldn’t buy a bucket and everything on the Wolves end was just going in. Including a turnaround jumper from Rudy Gobert that sent shock waves throughout the NBA world. When those shots started going in I kind of had a feeling this might be The Wolves night. ANT after the game said it best, “when Rudy hit the turnaround, I was like, yeah we probably got em…” The Wolves ended up winning 98-90 thus securing a 15 point send half comeback and a spot in the Western Conference Finals against a Mavs team with 2 very hungry superstars.  

Now I know I left out the fact that Lando Norris almost chased down Max Verstappen to capture his second win in a row but Max pulled out the win just barely by .725 of a second. Or the fact that Kyle Busch got punched in the face by Ricky Stenhouse after the NASCAR race… But there were way too many great sporting events happening all at once I didn’t know what to watch. My clicker was working overtime (yes, I still call the remote a clicker, I’m from the Midwest sue me). I think I had to replace the batteries twice. But what a day in sports history. 2 game 7’s, a dramatic finish to the PGA Championship, Man City being crowned champion of the Premier League for the 4th straight year, Lando almost winning back-to-back F1 races, Ricky Stenhouse slapping Kyle Busch across his smug face and to top it all off Minnesota… Yes Minnesota… the laughingstock of the NBA is headed back to the Western Conference Finals for the first time in 20 years. It's days like this that make me realize how much i truly love sports. What a day for the sports world… What a truly great day!

Thanks For Reading & Enjoy The Day!

Tottenham vs Man City

“Here comes Son against city again and this time he can’t beat Ortega.” Oh’s and grown’s filled White Hart Lane as Son Heung-min had a wide-open breakaway in the 80th minute to tie up what was a truly mesmerizing match between Tottenham and Manchester City on Tuesday night, but the right leg of Man City’s backup goalie Stefan Ortega was there to say no, not today, this is our night. I have never seen more hands-on heads in disbelief as the ball bounced off Ortega’s shin guards back into the field of play. Yesterday’s match between Tottenham and Manchester City was memorable on so many fronts. The season ending stakes that were attached to this match were of biblical proportions and it just added to the emotion of a rivalry that doesn’t need any extra emotion added to it.

Before things even kicked off on Tuesday night in North London emotions were already high, with the Spurs needing a win to stay alive in the hunt for that pivotal 4th spot in the Premier League which awards teams the opportunity to play in the world’s biggest club tournament, UEFA Champions League. Tottenham need all 3 points to stay within striking distance of an Aston Villa team that was on nobody’s radar coming into the 2023 season but have played remarkably this year. Credit where credit is due. On the other side of the pitch stakes were even greater with Man City needing a win to all but seal up the Premier League Championship over Tottenham’s hated cross town rivals Arsenal. There are some whispers in the English Primer League community saying that Son missed that kick on purpose to give Man City the win so Arsenal’s chances to hoist the cup become that much harder… Now I don’t want to say that’s what happened but when have we ever seen Son miss a breakaway opportunity like that, he seems to always bury those in the back of the net. A small Part of me thinks they all stood in a circle after the game and were laughing at Arsenal fans.

The first half was a feeling each other up masterpiece from both sides. Sorry, that came out wrong… feeling each other out… out… That’s my bad… With both sides having quality opportunities to stretch out the back of the netting. Tottenham had its fair share of first half chances but in the 5th minute came arguably their best when Rodrigo Bentancur sent a thundering left footed rocket towards Man City’s goal tender Ederson who just so happen to through a towering left hand high in the air at the perfect time to deflect Bentancurs shot over the top of the cross bar. Just a remarkable save from Man City’s net minder. Man City’s best chance of the first half came during the 44th minute, when Bernardo Silva sent a sultry blast off his left foot towards the empty left corner of the net but just like his Romaine ancestor before him during The Second Balkan War, Tottenham’s center back Radu Drăgușin stood his ground and made the non-goalie save of the night or should I say his right shoulder made the save of the night. Even though Man City was offsides, that was just the momentum that Tottenham needed to stay alive in this match headed into the second half. Even with great chances from both teams, they entered half time scoreless.

The second half started off with a bang or should I say a flick. Tottenham was attacking in Man City’s zone right off the get go when Son received a glorious pass from Brennan Johnson that Son tried to flick past the sliding arms of Ederson. But once again Ederson was there to make another great save with his left arm. After that remarkable save the momentum swung in favor of Man City. No more than 5 minutes later in the 50th minute, Kevin De Bruyne sent a silky cross crease pass into Norwegian folk hero Erling Haaland’s right foot, who just had to in the famous words of Happy Gilmore “tap it in, give it a little tap tap taparoo.” The traveling Man City fans (and there were a lot of them) erupted with joy as the ball crept into the back of the net giving Man City a 1-0 led.

Maybe the most pivotal play of the night happened in the 61st minute when Cristian Romero did his best Bruce Lee impression by throwing his right leg up in the air to try and kick in a curling pass from Dejan Kulusevski but in doing so he kicked a diving Ederson right in the chest eventually knocking him out for the game in the 67th minute. With Ederson out for the game it was time for Man City’s backup goalie Stefan Ortega to shine and boy did he ever making great save after great save including the save of the night when he stopped a streaking Son from scoring on a breakaway in the 85th minute. He was the real MVP of the night by coming in off a cold bench and saving not only goals from going in, but Man City’s championship hopes as well.

Man City eventually added an insurance goal in the 89th minute when a penalty was called in the box on Tottenham defender Pedro Porro when he tripped an attacking Jérémy Doku streaking towards the goal. Haaland then careened a penalty shot past Tottenham’s wrong side guessing goalie Guglielmo Vicario to give Man City a 2-0 led and an impressive victory over Tottenham and it’s stunned crowd at White Hart Lane. What a night though and what a match. This game had everything you love about soccer, stakes, drama, unbelievable saves, silky passes, incredible goals, and an atmosphere that rivals anything in sports. It’s just a shame that Sunday is the last day of the Premier League season, and we have to wait a whole 3 months till it begins again in August.

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy the Final Weekend Of The English Premier League.