The Pro Bowl

Ahhhhh… Hawaii, sunshine, palm trees, white sand, big waves, getting pitted, coconuts, pineapple, spam, Jack Johnson on the radio, and The Pro Bowl… Ummm I’ve just been informed The Pro Bowl hasn’t been in Hawaii since 2016… Where have I been… I should really tone back my nightly proscription of Pinot Noir… With the 2024 Pro Bowl Games kicking off tonight, I can’t help but wonder… What happened to the Pro Bowl? It used to be my favorite game, all the best players in the world traveling to an exotic island in the middle of the Pacific to go play a fake football game. For a Minnesotan it was an escape (make sure to say escape like Dory from finding Nemo it’s so much more fun) it was an escape from the realities of winter. As I looked out my window and saw a blizzard wreaking havoc upon my tree house where a family of rabbits moved in to escape the snow, It was always nice to turn my head back towards the tv and get transported to Hawaii and see the waves crashing against a shore covered in white sand, palm trees swaying in the breeze, the subtle sounds of a ukulele rocking me to sleep on a Sunday afternoon, Andy Reid dressed in an oversized Hawaiian shirt wearing a coconut bra… “Brett… Brett.. Wake Up! You were having a nightmare…” “Oh god you wouldn’t believe it, I… I… saw Andy Reid and Bill Belichick in grass skirts and coconut bras giving me a lap dance while Peyton Manning nodded his giant forehead vigorously in approval while he sat naked in a wooden rocking chair strumming a ukulele, singing, "Ohh, Ohh, Ohh, Ohh, somewhere over the rainbow, way up high…” “Boy you need to really stop falling asleep during the Pro Bowl…” “You’re telling me… What do you think it all means…?”

I don’t care that they don’t actually play a real football game anymore, it wasn’t even real to begin with, unless your name is Sean Taylor, and you felt the need to take poor Brian Moorman’s head off during a fake punt. I’m just more upset its not in Hawaii, nobody wants to see still shots of the Orlando metro area, honestly, what’s even in Orlando besides theme parks and a horrible basketball franchise holding on to the ghost of Shaquille O’Neal… how many times can we really pan out and show Disney World? I get it… The Pro Bowl is on ESPN which is owned by Disney… Tell me your owned by Disney without telling me your owned by Disney… Each time I see Disney World, it makes me want to go less and less… from the overhead angles it looks like there is just way too many screaming children, way too many adults in oversized mouse ears, way too many overpriced drinks with giant straws ascending out of them, way too many long lines to ride a roller coaster for 3.8 seconds… “But Brett you gotta get the fastpass.” “Well Terry the fast pass only works when nobody else has one and news flash, last time I checked everyone has one…” Then you gotta get the super-fast pass…” “For Bleep Sake Terry, how many different passes are there… Ohhhh look Animal Kingdom…”

Now don’t get me wrong I don’t hate everything about the new and “improved” Pro Bowl, which is now called the Pro Bowl Games… Watching a bunch of world class athletes play dodgeball is pretty neat. It’s always great hearing your buddy say, “back in my prime I bet I could take down some of these running backs, I had a wicked left-handed side arm growing up, that got me the nickname “lefty cannon”, they wouldn’t even see it coming…”  I would look at him in disbelief and say, “That is until Josh Allen throws a rocket right at your head that would make Jimmy Neutron jealous… if a dodge ball thrown by Josh Allen were to hit your body at the speeds he throws at, you would begin levitating for 8 seconds like you were dodging a bullet from Neo in the Matrix, then landing right on a stretcher headed to Orlando Regional Medical Center…” The Pro Bowl games have a lot more to offer than just a dodgeball game, there is Best Catch, which can be fun if your into watching wide receivers do moves that I can do off a diving board into my neighbors pool… Oh, oh what about closest to the pin, because who doesn’t want to watch a bunch of football players shank golf shots into a pond full of alligators… new idea, If a player hits his ball into the water and an alligator grabs it, you can get an extra 100 points for your team if you can successfully get the ball back without losing your hand… We will call it the Chubbs Peterson… now that’s exciting.

Flag football as the main event is actually a great idea. I know it hasn’t received the best of praise, but it beats everyone dressing up in pads to go play touch football. I mean it’s pretty much the same thing without pads. But nobody is going to get lit up, everyone is going to have fun and most importantly your franchise QB won’t get taken out by a blindside hit from Sean Taylor… We still get to watch our favorite players run around on the field and we still get to watch Peyton and Eli bicker like 12-year-old schoolboys arguing over who did the first one handed grab on the monkey bars. “I saw Eli do it 2 hours ago” “you’re such a liar Timmy, he did not.” “Am Not…” “Are too…” “Am Not…” My only complaint with the whole thing is the location. The game was never great to begin with but at least we got to watch people get pitted in giant waves off the north shore of O’ahu. Now we're stuck watching panoramic shots of grown men throwing up all over themselves because they decide to mix Skittles with lemonade before riding Space Mountain. “Skittles were a bad choice.” I mean how do you think the players feel? Congratulations on making the Pro Bowl you get an all-expense paid trip to Orlando in February… “Yayyyy, quick honey break my pinky toe, so I don’t have to go...” Everyone wants to fix the Pro Bowl, with different ideas but we don’t need different ideas on how to fix it, The Pro Bowl is going to suck no matter what we do. There will always be complaints about every aspect of it. In the end we just need to move it back to the sunshine and giant waves of Hawaii, that’s something that nobody will complain about…

The Lions, Lioned Again...

Well Championship weekend didn't disappoint... Chiefs dominated no surprises there… Let’s just rata-tat-tat through that game… Patrick Mahomes and The Chiefs are in another Super Bowl great… Mahomes great, Andy great, Travis great, Spags great, Chris Jones great, defense great, Lamar choked, I feel bad for Zay Flowers… I told you not to bet against them… So, congrats to the Chiefs we will see you in Vegas, but I am not here to talk about The Chiefs and how they have made to another Super Bowl, their 4th in 5 years but instead those poor motor city kitties found a way to lion again… What’s “Lion” you ask? The definition of Lioned is to lose repeatedly in a way that nobody else has… The Lions have been doing this for years, not just a decade but more like a century. I called my dad last night after the game and he didn’t seem fazed at all at the night’s events. “Hey Dad, how ya doing?” “Brett, you know what, for a moment there I almost got my hopes up at half time but, I didn’t because it was only half time and The Lions have lost these games before.” It’s kind of tortured existence when you think about it… Another year, another heart-breaking Lions season. You can’t get angry, you can’t get disappointed, but in the end Lions fans seem to know the drill. Getting your hopes up is something that veteran Lions fans don’t seem to do.

The Lions came out firing in the first quarter more than a Jason Statham movie and it gave you just a little hope, like just maybe, justttt maybe The Lions mane was changing, and we were about to see a transformed Lions team with touchdowns just flying up on the scoreboard faster than a Peregrine Falcon diving after a pigeon. They had first half touchdowns from Jameson Williams, David Montgomery, Jahmyr Gibbs The “new” Lions took a 24-7 lead into half. But just like the teams before them, and just as fast as that Peregrine Falcon caught the pigeon, he regurgitated it right back up… It’s just like The Lions to find a way to blow a 24-7 lead in the second half. In a whole new fashion with one bad bounce off a defender’s face, that just so happened to find its way right into the receivers’ hands, one bad fumble, one bad quarter, not one but two bad 4th down calls, it was just one classic half by the Lions, that changed The Lions’ future for yet another season. The 49ers didn’t do anything special to win that game, they just took advantage of every single mistake the Lions made, it's not that impressive when all the Lions did was make mistake after mistake…

But credit where credit is due, Brock Purdy kind of played well… Let me be more specific he played well in the second half and since when does Brock have wheels? I mean the guy looked faster than every Olympic sprinter headed to Paris this summer. Lamar Purdy, Usain Purdy, Tyreek Purdy, who the hell did he just transform into… That guy is fast… not sneaky fast… but just straight up fast. I haven’t watched much niners football this year, but has he been doing this all year? While we are here giving the niners some praise, that running back over there in San Francisco, has to be the best I’ve ever seen. Christian McCaffrey is beyond good, I was looking on Draftkings Sports Book before the game at odds for 2 touchdowns scored in a game for a single player, most guys were around +1700, +1200, I mean good odds for betting, but McCaffrey was +370 for 2 touchdowns… that’s insane, I thought to myself who the hell is actually going to bet that… Well jokes on me because for the umpteenth time in his career, McCaffery decided to score two touchdowns in a game. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for Brock Purdy, the last pick in the draft is leading his team to a Super Bowl, it’s a pretty amazing story and we love underdog stories but to beat the most underdog franchise on your way to doing it, kind of turns you into unlikeable, villain… Which is sad because he does have such a great story but hey Brock next time you want to make it to a Super Bowl do it against an unlikeable franchise like the Cowboys and your likeability will shoot to the moon.

Don’t feel sorry for Lions fans today, it's just another season that ends with The Lions not making a Super Bowl, nothing new there… But for some reason this year just felt different… They had the whole country biting kneecaps, they had a whole country making kneecap soup, they had the whole country routing for them, they had the whole country believing in a city that kind of needs something to believe in. You just don’t see that in sports. I think Dan Campbell said it perfectly last night, “this may have been our only shot.’ Do I think that? No. Do I believe that? No. However I know how hard it is to get here. I’m well aware. And it’s going to be twice as hard to get back to this point next year.” That kind of puts the NFL into prospective, it's hard to make Super Bowls, it's hard to make the playoffs, it's hard to win in this league. We think it’s easy when we see Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes making it to the Super Bowl every year, but it’s not. So, don’t feel bad for Detroit today, the Lions took the city on a ride that they will never forget and isn’t that what sports is about? Making memories that last a lifetime… So, thanks Dan Campbell, thanks Jared Goff, thanks Adina Hutchinson, thanks for taking my dad and that city on an unforgettable ride this season and restoring hope back into that city, and who knows maybe next year we aren’t talking about them coming up short but instead we are talking about them lifting the Lombardi for the first time ever…

Hockey Day In Minnesota

Ahhhh Warroad Minnesota where cold weather goes to get colder. If you have never heard of Warroad Minnesota that’s quite all right most people haven’t… Warroad is a place that you usually have to grab your grandpas coke bottle reading glasses to see on a map, a place that is nestled on the banks of Lake of The Woods in Muskeg Bay near the Canadian border, a place usually known for having some of the best Walleye fishing in the state, a place that is known for being the original Hockey Town USA. Speaking of Hockey Town USA, Warroad is hosting an annual tradition in Minnesota more important than fall apple picking. I’m speaking of Hockey Day in Minnesota of course; Hockey Day in Minnesota is one of the great annual traditions that takes place in the frozen pond heaven of Minnesota or also known as the State of Hockey. It bounces around from great city we can’t pronounce to great city we can’t pronounce and this year its Warroad’s opportunity to host the gathering of Tuckbags. “Hey Mr. Brett, what’s a tuck bag?” “Well, that’s great question little Billy… a tuck bag is someone who tucks his or her jersey in while skating in hockey.” “But Mr. Brett why do we care if someone tucks in their jersey…?” “Well, you see Billy whenever some tucks in their jersey it usually means they are a giant (cover your ears) douchebag… I don’t know why a simple jersey tuck causes people to turn into tuckbags but something just takes control of their body and they just feel the need; to do wrap arounds, do lacrosse style cradles over your goalies head, do a poke check every chance they get, take your mom out to dinner and eventually become your step dad. It’s like the jersey makes them do these things.” “Well, that sounds horrible Mr. Brett I don’t want to be a tuck bag.” “I’m glad to hear that Billy, now go along and play, your team needs a goaltender to get pelted with pucks.”

So, what is Hockey Day in Minnesota? Well, it’s a day where all ages of hockey programs gather around to enjoy the sport they love, from Bantam, to JV, to High School varsity, to college, to the pros, everyone participates in this tradition. Us Minnesotans take pride in our frozen lakes, we take pride in the fact that we can lace up the skates, grab our favorite stick, shovel off a rectangle of ice, drop a puck and the whole neighborhood comes outside to participate. From city to city across this great land you can hear skates slicing through the ice, pucks being barred in the back of nets and the occasional F-bomb being spat out at your neighbor Todd when someone gets checked clear across the pond. There is a sense of community in the hockey world and Hockey Day in Minnesota just brings all our little Minnesota ponds and lakes together to form one giant community pond. Hockey Day In Minnesota started all the way back in 2007 in the small town of Baudette where the two High School teams by the name of Lake of The Woods and St. Paul Johnson played outside on a lake in Baudette Bay. Lake of The Woods ended up beating St. Paul Johnson in the inaugural game. But it didn’t stop there, The University of Minnesota beat The University of Denver by score of 5-4… oh and you think were done, no The Minnesota Wild ended up beating the Dallas Stars 2-1 in a shootout and thus Hockey Day in Minnesota was born.

It has only grown since then with there now being 4 days of festivities with multiple high schools that travel from all over the state to compete on an outdoor sheet of ice for nothing more than a little pride. What’s cool about hockey day in Minnesota… “HEY Billy! Don’t you listen to them, you untuck that jersey right now, I’m warning you mister!” Sorry just had to yell at Billy quick, the older kids were trying to talk Billy into becoming a Tuck Bag… Where was I… Oh yeah what makes Hockey Day in Minnesota so cool besides the temperatures, is the fact that you get small towns mixed with big city, look at this year’s teams for example, Warroad, Wayzata, Moorhead, Lakeville North, Waseca, Thief River Falls, Roseau, Lake of The Woods, Kittson County Central… I bet you could only pronounce half of those cities, try it again with a Minnesotan accent I bet they become easier to pronounce, yes you can use Frances McDormand’s accent from the movie Fargo, everyone already does… But these schools and cities couldn’t be more different and that’s what makes it great. I spent some time in the northland when I was in my early twenties and the people up there are not too fond of the people from the Twin Cities. In fact, they have a nickname for us down here, they call us Citidiots. I can’t imagine why… But this just adds high-octane fuel to the already burning campfire. When you have preppy kids who wear a beanie above their ears just to look cool, with daddy’s Black Amex credit card from the giant suburb of Wayzata, going up against farm raised kids from the plains of Moorhead who know how to wear a beanie over their ears, it just makes for some interesting dynamics and television. I mean who doesn’t want to watch David chop the uncovered ears off Goliath.

If you’re not from Minnesota, none of this probably makes any sense to you at all.. Someone from Texas probably says, "you mean to tell me you guys willingly go out in negative degree temperatures to skate around on a frozen pond?" "Yeah... is that weird?...you guys walk around in deserts full of rattlesnakes and I don't judge you..." But if I can encourage you to tune in and learn a little bit about us up here and why we endure these could temperatures to live here, why so many NHL pros come from our frozen ponds, why we have 6 Division I college hockey teams in our state, do it, you won't regret watching a little hockey. This week is always a great time to celebrate being Minnesotan and our love for hockey. It brings the state together for at least one week a year. From the deep forest of Lake of The Woods to the plains of Moorhead to the black card-carrying suburbs of Wayzata, we are all Minnesotan in our own special way… Even though sometimes we don’t want to admit we are all from the same state, based on location, politics, the way we wear are beanies, the way we tuck our jersey's but we are… What makes us different is what makes us great, and no matter our differences there are two things I think we can all agree on, our love for hockey and our hatred for Edina…