My Cold Weather Game Experience!

“Uptown funk you up, Uptown funk you up” I look over at my phone signing and vibrating on my desk next to my bed in which I was laying in and began to speak with groggiest of voices “I really need to change that ring tone and who the hell is calling me at 5 in the morning on a Sunday?” I grabbed my phone faster than Usain Bolt can run a 40-yard dash, just to shut it up, even though that song is an all-time banger. I picked the phone up off my desk and to my surprise I saw a flattering picture of my buddy Shane with snot cascading out of his nose. I answer the phone with the most unenthusiastic voice “Eeeee Yo dude don’t you know what time it is? Some people like to sleep past the Reveille!” “Yeah, it’s time to wake up!” He responded with way too much enthusiasm for that time of day. “What could you possible want at this time of the morning?” I said with even more grog in voice than I had before. I heard him take a deep breath like he was inhaling the smoke from a Marlboro Red 100 cigarette and let out a slight cough before saying “Have I got an offer for you… what would you say to us going to the Vikings playoff game this afternoon vs the Seahawks? Tickets are only 50 bucks for a great seat.” With a newfound enthusiasm, I responded to his question with joy “I would say sounds great bud, let’s do it!” But then that joy turned back into grog, when I realized its January in Minnesota and the old Metrodomes roof caved in from the weight of snow, and we would be sitting outside at TCF Bank Stadium on metal benches… “wait a second isn’t it like -50 out this morning?” “No, no, no quit being a baby, you’re a Minnesotan for F sake, it’s not that bad, its going to be a high of 2 degrees today.” He said with more sarcasm than a standup comedian.  “Dude that’s going to be miserable, I’m going to need to find a full grown wolfs fur to wear, just to keep my eyelids warm.” I said shivering just thinking about this experience. “Man the F up, put on your Artic Cat purple and loud lime green, snowmobiling jacket on (a staple in ever Minnesotans home) and head out the door.” He said with so much anger in his voice like he was forcing me to go watch Teddy Bridgewater score 3 points. I responded with so much regret. “Alright, Alright, F it, I’m In! Get the tickets and i'll swoop you.” (Swoop is a word to describe picking someone up)

I threw on my fleece lined gloves and beanie with the pom-pom on top because it’s just fun to play with, I also had my snow pants on with my loud Artic Cat snowmobile jacket to complete my ensemble for the day. I wasn’t dressed for a football game; I was dressed for a weekend snowmobile trip near the Boundary waters. I asked my brother for a ride down to TCF Bank stadium because traffic is never a fun thing around a college campus during gameday. We drove just down the street to pick up my buddy Shane from his house and when we got there, he was waiting outside getting acclimated to the weather and when I tell you he was dressed like an Eskimo he was dressed like an Eskimo that was ice fishing for months near the north pole. He had a jacket that was straight out of a Canadian Fashion Magazine that Zoolander would have modeled. This jacket had fur wrapped all the way around the hood with fur lining the whole inside of coat as well. I felt warm just looking at him. You want to talk about being prepared, this kid was prepared. His gameday outfit also included a purple Vikings scarf, snow pants, boots that seemed like they were out of the same catalog his jacket came from, I think even they were laced with the same fur as his jacket and to top it all off snowboarding goggles to shield his eyes from the wind chill that we will inevitably experience. I took one look at him and said, “alright dude thanks for the heads up that you were wearing the whole Canadian population of wolves on your body.” He took one look at me and said with so much glee “I think your going to be a little cold...” I smiled and said, “F off, I’ll be fine…” Spoiler alert I wasn’t fine.

We pulled up near the stadium in one of the longest ques of cars I’ve ever seen. Once my brother saw that line of cars he yelled from the driver’s seat “get the hell out, your fat asses are walking.” Shane and I looked at each other like he must be joking right. Oh, he wasn’t “seriously get out I’m not waiting in this line for 4 and half hours, by the time I get out of here the game will be done!” Once we could tell how serious he was, we jumped out and began the 2-mile journey to the stadium. I felt like my Viking asters trudging across the snow-covered landscape to find shelter and warmth. But instead of a warm fire inside of a hut waiting for us, it was an outdoor stadium with metal benches and a -25-degree windchill. For the first time ever, I envied my Viking ancestors. We got to the stadium about an hour before kickoff and to my delight I saw a sea of purple fans as dumb as us. I didn’t think anyone would be at this game let alone a packed stadium full of die heart Vikings fans and me, one really dumb Minnesotan who just wanted to experience real cold. I saw a couple Seattle fans that looked like they made a mistake by flying here for a playoff game. They couldn’t have looked more miserable. I think Carl Showalter had a better time inside of that woodchipper than these Seattle fans had at this game.

When got to our seats I realized why they were so cheap… We were on the shade side of the stadium. I looked at Shane with so much disgust on my face and said, “You didn’t check where the sun was when bought these tickets?” he looked at me like I couldn’t have sounded dumber and said, “How the Hell am I supposed to know what side the sun is on, I saw 50 bucks and I bought the tickets, quit your bitching, you should of wore warmer cloths.” I laughed and gazed over at the fans across the field in the sun and felt more jealousy than I ever have in my whole entire life. Then out of that warm sun I saw an old man rip off his jacket to reveal a purple Vikings T- Shirt polo. I look at Shane and say, “are my eyes broken or is Bud Grant walking out in a T-Shirt to do the coin toss.” The crowd immediately erupted into one of the loudest cheers I have ever heard in my life. Before Bud Grant walked on to that field in a T-Shirt everyone was complaining about how cold it was, but after that, the energy in the building just tripled in strength. If there was one thing us Minnesotans love besides hockey, it’s showing how tough they are in the cold. I had a smile from ear to ear and after that you didn’t hear a peep out of me about the cold.

By the end of the first quarter, my stomach started to really rumble, “I think I’m getting hungry” I said to myself. It was probably from all the calories I was burning from just trying to stay warm. I had a hankering for some chicken strips and a beer, yes, a beer, I should have got a whiskey neat, but an ice-cold beer sounded good for some reason. More importantly I just wanted to walk around and bring some life to my frozen legs. I looked at Shane and the steam that was pouring out of the inside of his jacket and said, “I’m going to get some food and a beer do you want anything?” he looked at me dumb founded and said, “You’re going for an ice-cold beer, aren’t your hands freezing?” I laughed and said “yeah… yeah they are, so holding a cold beer isn’t going to change anything, hell the beer is probably warmer than the air, it may even warm my hands up.” He laughed and said, “that’s a great point grab me one as well.” I stood up and about fell over from the blood being rushed back into my legs. I walked up to the concession stands, where to my surprise there wasn’t any line at all. I wondered to myself “that seems a little strange” but thought nothing of it and asked the guy at the counter if I could have two beers and an order of chicken strips. He looked at me even more dumbfounded than Shane did and said, “are you sure?” I responded with a subtle “yeah, I think so…” he goes “alright, but I’m going to warn you this beer will freeze over if you don’t take a sip right away.” I thought yeah right, I have taken enough science classes to know alcohol doesn’t freeze… Right before he cracked the first beer he said, “get ready!” He cracked it then slid it at me and I took a giant gulp, and everything seemed fine. He then cracked the second one and slid it my way but this time I didn’t take a gulp because it was for Shane and I’m sure he didn’t want my slobber all over the rim of his beer. The concession stand attendant looked at me confused and said, “you’re going to regret that.” I laughed it off and began my journey back to my seat. Halfway down the steps I looked over at Shane’s beer I was carrying, and all a sudden beer started to flow out the top of the can like a movie theater slushy being squeezed out of a tube.

I got to my seat and handed Shane his beer slushy and he looked at me with disgust and said, “what the hell is this?” I laughed so hard that I almost dropped my chicken stripes all over the Seahawks fans in front of me and said, “dude its this new thing called a beer slushy, its all the rage in Scandinavian countries.” He was not amused with my joke and said, “you’re an idiot.” I laughed and looked down at my chicken stripes in excitement for something warm. I cracked open my BBQ sauce to reveal a frozen brown substance that at one point could have been BBQ sauce but is now a skating rink for ants. I thought, “Well, I don’t need BBQ sauce, I’ll just enjoy the warmth of these chicken strips without sauce.” I grabbed one and bit down like it was my first ever meal and to my surprise they were still frozen solid on the inside. I felt like I chipped my two buck teeth when I took a bite. I didn’t think it was possible for something to freeze in 5 mins, but I was proven wrong by the Minnesota cold once again. Shane saw the look of disappointment on my face and said with a grin “what’s wrong dude, are they not good?” I looked at him with more disgust than a wife who just found out his husband had been cheating on her for years and said, “there frozen solid…” he looked at the chicken stripes with confusion and said “Bull Shit! You just got them… Let me try one.” I reluctantly gave him one and he took a giant bite, then looked at me with a breading hanging off the side of his lip and said, “you weren’t kidding these things are frozen solid.” We both laughed way to hard and started the blow on the chicken stripes like it was a cup of French Onion soup right out of a boil hot pan, not to cool them down but to warm them up… We were using the hot air from our bodies as an oven, but nothing was working for these strips, it was at this point that we gave up on trying to eat them.

The game dragged on with run play after run play, nobody wanted to hit, and nobody wanted to be hit. By the start of the 4th Quarter the Vikings looked like they were on the way to a playoff victory with a 9-0 lead over the frozen Seahawks offense, and I was on the way to losing 3 toes from frostbite. I needed to find something to get warmer, a blanket, a cup of boiling hot coffee poured onto my feet, I didn’t care what it was. Then out of nowhere I saw a little black flask being passed down the isle and thought what is happening here. It was working its way towards us with every person taking a sip out of this flask, then a guy about 7 seats down yells to Shane and me “you guys want some?” Shane and I not knowing what was inside the flask reluctantly responded at the same time with “ummm sure?” Shane was first inline to take a swig from the flask with the mystery liquid inside. He grabbed it from the person next him, tilted his head back and let it rip like he was taking cholesterol medication in a nursing home. Once he was done, he then passed It on to me. I grabbed it from his gloved hand and looked down into the rust coated rim of the flask then looked up at Shane’s disgusted face, which looked like he was trying alcohol for the first time, and I just said, “F It, bottoms up.” I took one giant pull from the rust coated flask and to my surprised it tasted delightful… I’m pretty sure my taste buds were frozen off and I couldn’t taste anything anymore. But after that pull something happened to my body, I felt instant warmth flow throughout my body, even down to my frostbitten toes. That mystery liquid gave me the warmth I needed to get through the rest of this game.

The Seahawks stormed back in the fourth quarter and a stunned cold silence filled the stadium after Steven Hauschka nailed a 46-yard field goal to take a one-point lead with 8 mins left in the game. But there was still plenty of time left on the clock for the Vikings to drive down the field which they ended up doing on the back on Adrian Peterson. The Vikings offense drove all the way down to the Seattle 27-yard line which set them up for a game winning field goal attempt by Blair Walsh. All the freezing cold Viking’s fans have endured the elements just for this moment. The stadium couldn’t have been more excited for their team and their city. They had a real chance to advance in the playoffs. I looked at Shane and said with eyelids frozen open “if he hits this we are going out to the bars and having a night of celebrating with the rest of Minnesota.” He nodded in agreement, we put our arms around each other as both sets of our eyes glanced at the other endzone to watch Blair Walsh line up the kick… The ball was snaped Blair ran towards it and with one swing of his leg… He shanked it wide left… not even close to the left upright. All you heard coming from the fans in the stadium was a loud gasp and a load of boos, it was like we were at ghost ComiCon. The Boo’s then turned into every person in every row saying the same exact thing “I sat in -25-degree weather for this, god bless it, I knew he would miss it.”

Russell Wilson took one last final knee, and the game was over. The stadium was refilled with the sound of boos as the teams went to go shake hands. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a repentant Blair Walsh walking off the field alone and when he reached the tunnel entrance a shower of gloves rained down on him as he held his head low in shame. The first thing that crossed my mind when I saw the gloves waterfalling down on Blair was “I know your mad but that doesn’t seem like the smartest idea to throw your gloves in this kind of cold.” We left the stadium soon after with a bunch of disgruntled Vikings fan seething in anger saying things like “if Blair Walsh is our kicker next year, I will not be renewing my season tickets, F that guy” and “That Blair Walsh guy better watch his back tonight, he might not make it out of the city.” I never heard people so angry over an athlete in my life.

Once we finally exited the rage soaked stadium we saw a line of cars about 3 miles long, as I was looking down the que of cars for my brothers purple Volvo, a faint noise started coming from my pocket “uptown funk you up, uptown funk you up,” I started to unzip my nineteen layers of clothing to get to my phone, once I finally reached my phone I saw that it was my brother calling I answer it “hey Erik, what’s” before I could get to the up in what’s up he cut me off yelling “hurry the f up, I have a gap to get out but you need to start running now, move your asses!” I look at Shane and say, “I hope those boots are made for running!” “Ohhhh, they are.” He responded sarcastically. We ran faster than either of us have ever run in our lives because an angry Erik is something neither of us wanted to deal with on the ride home. We jumped in the car Starsky & Hutch style, and he pulled off one of the greatest moves in traffic history that I’ve ever seen. He cranked the steering wheel all the way to the left and hammered the gas through a dirt road gap that separated the on ramp from the off ramp to the freeway. That little Volvo’s suspension was working harder than an oil rig, but it made it through it unscathed and just like that we were out of traffic and headed home. With that maneuver he saved us at least an hour of angry Viking fans traffic that none of us wanted to deal with. On the way home I thought to myself It was a truly amazing experience that I will never forget, and neither will my toes. Ill tell ya what though even though I about froze to death, I would do it again in a heart bet, there is nothing like be huddled together with a group of strangers trying to stay warm, drinking out of a community flask, eating cold chicken strips, drinking beer slushies and most importantly being mad at a kicker named Blair Walsh…   

2024 Wild Card Revenge Weekend!

“Revenge is a dish best served cold” …what does that even mean? Most dishes are great served warm, Soup… soup is great served warm. Pizza is the best when it’s warm, anyone who likes cold pizza over warm pizza should be put in a psych ward and evaluated for James Bond Villain Syndrome. The only thing I can think of that wouldn’t be good served warm is Ice Cream, who wants a boiling hot ice cream cone? I don’t know maybe an Eskimo who hasn’t seen the sun in 18 days living in the northwest corner of Greenland during the winter months would love some boiled sugar milk but that’s about it. Ummm I’m being told that the saying “Revenge is a dish best served cold” has nothing to do with food… well I feel dumb. According to EnglishClub.com the saying suggests, “if someone does something bad to us, it is better to pay them back later in time, not immediately.” I think this saying describes the 2024 NFL wild Card Weekend to a T.  There are so many matchups between players and their old teams that have been marinating in their brains for years and this is the moment to prove who wronged who. We should really change the name of this year’s Wild Card Weekend to Revenge Wild Card Weekend.

Let’s start in the most obvious revenge spot, The Streaming service Peacock. Is NBC and Peacock taking revenge on all the old people for not paying their cable bills over the years. It is a downright shame that you put any playoff game on a streaming service let alone a match up like Chiefs, Dolphins. My dad calls me weekly wondering if we have Peacock because the Big Ten decided they needed more money by throwing college basketball on a streaming platform, you already gouge us out of a load of money for the Big Ten Network, why throw games on Peacock… That being said they got me and I signed up for a free trial of Peacock just so I can watch a couple of Dolphins try to swim in freezing cold Kansas City water… Ohhhh and you better believe it Comcast, I’m sharing that password with my father… Hold on, wait a Tyreek Hill 40 yard dash second… 30 Rocks on Peacock? I love 30 Rock, maybe I’ll keep it a little bit longer so I can binge that whole series… Anyways, The Dolphins and Tyreek Hill are traveling north to Kansas City for a very cold Tyreek Hill revenge game. Tyreek Hill left the comfort and safety of Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes back in 2022 to explore a new opportunity down in Miami. Tyreek Hill got paid more money to live in a warmer climate with less taxes who wouldn’t take that deal. The only problem was that he was leaving behind a Super Bowl organization, with a young Tom Brady chasing QB, who happened to win a Super Bowl the first year without him but instead he decided to head to a bad run organization with a young QB that has injury problems. Well, that decision Tyreek made can all make sense when the Dolphins show up in 0-degree Kansas City wearing giant flamingo lined parkas and take down the defending champs in their own home.

Probably the friendliest revenge game of the weekend is going to be The Rams and Matt Stafford coming home to Detroit to face his old Lions team. It’s more like a homecoming for the Lions great more than it is a revenge game. Matt must miss the smell of rusty old Fords in the morning, he might wake up, wipe the fog off his Holiday Express hotel room window and see Ford Field glistening in the gray skies of Detroit, take a giant whiff of that Rust-Oleum filled air and be ready to gut the Lions with every hubcap from the old Ford ranger plant.  It should be a friendly environment filled with cheers and congratulations for Matt Stafford when he walks into Ford Field on Sunday night. Or is it? We can’t forget the other side of the story. When Stafford got traded to the Rams back in 2021 someone had to get traded to the Lions and that person was Jared Goff. Sean McVay didn’t think he could win a Super Bowl with Jared Goff as his quarterback, so he went out and got Matt Stafford from the Lions. It’s not like McVay was wrong about that. Clearly, he needed Stafford to get this team over the hump and lift the Lombardi. So, this isn’t a friendly game for Jared Goff by any means, this is a I have a chip on my shoulder and want to end the Rams season more than anything, just to stick it to McVay and the Rams organization, game for Jared Goff. It’s going to be a great environment in Detroit, how can it not be? It’s the first time they have hosted a playoff game in 30 years, Ford Field will be rocking more than an Eminem concert. The NFL did a bad thing by putting a game behind a streaming services paywall, but they redeemed themselves by throwing this game on Sunday Night in The Motor City.

The only Head Coach revenge game this week is Mike McCarthy vs is old Green Bay Packers team. The Dallas Cowboys are welcoming the youngest playoff team since the 1977 Chicago Bears into Jerry World. The Green Bay Packers have an average player age of 25 years old, while being coached by a chiseled man with a beard that definitely has a little Just for Men touch of gray in it to make him look more distinguished. Matt Lafleur looks like he’s 25 doing a cover shoot for Carhartt sweaters every time he stops foot on the frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field. The Matt Lafleur lead Packers are going to try and do what no team has done this year and that’s beat the Cowboys at home. The Cowboys have been downright Ethan Hunt impossible to beat at home this year by going 8-0 during the regular season. Maybe the main reason is that Mike McCarthy has taken over offensive play calling for the Cowboys this year and the offense has done nothing but flourish under his tutelage. But this isn’t the first time that Mike McCarthy has had a great offense. He had a great run while he was in Green Bay, but the problem was everyone attribute it to a Hall of Fame quarterback named Aaron Rodgers. But the second things seemed to go bad the whole town of Green Bay turned on him like spoiled cheese that has been left in the fridge for 8 months too long. (I’ve been meaning to throw that out) Who else would they blame besides the coach, they would never turn on their ayahuasca using quarterback, it was never old Aaron Rodgers’ fault. So, what happened to poor Mike McCarthy he was chased out of town by the cheese head wearing pitchfork wielding town folk of Green Bay and their town leader Aaron Rodgers. But he found a new home in Dallas and this game on Sunday Afternoon is an all-time coach’s revenge game, he really wants to prove that the Packers made the wrong choice in firing him, but it will be a tall task to take down these young charismatic Packers if history has anything to say about it. The Packers have had the Cowboys number over the last serval years. The Packers have won 9 of the last 10 meetings against the Cowboys including playoffs, so if history has anything to say about Sunday’s game it says Mike McCarthy is going to have his hands full with more than just wings dipped in blue cheese.

Wild Card Revenge Weekend is going to be way too much fun with 2 games on Saturday, 3 on Sunday and a pleasant surprise of a Monday night game, where I think we get Peyton and Eli bickering at each other for four hours. Get ready for a lot of action and most likely some upsets. I can’t wait to see how Young C.J. Stroud does against that brutally tough defense of the Cleveland Browns or how an older banished from the league Joe Flacco continues to reignite his career, that’s going to be a great game. Can Mike Tomlin continue his amazing coaching run by beating the hottest team in the NFL in Buffalo in what will most likely be a blizzard game. What about a Monday night showdown between the nose-diving Eagles and the rejuvenated Baker Mayfield lead Buccaneers. That has upset written all over it especially under the shadow of the pirate ship at Raymond James Stadium. It’s going to be a great weekend of games I can’t wait for them to get started. Enjoy the games this weekend and make sure you do your free trial of Peacock so you can watch Chiefs Dolphins playing in one of the coldest games we may ever see and maybe if you’re bored Sunday morning get some use out of your free trial and turn on a little 30 Rock to pass the time till the next kick off.      

Dear Sean Payton’s, Smug Face Part III. I’m starting to drink the Tea.

I am sitting in a dark room alone on the most comfortable leather couch I’ve ever been on, with the only light coming from the embers in my Sherlock Holmes style pipe, when out of know where I hear the subtle sound of keys jingling, I think to myself someone is trying to find the right one to open the old oak front door, when then I finally hear the locking mechanism start to turn and the door slowly starts to swing open, illuminating my mustard stained face, I looked towards the opening door and saw the whites of someone’s eyes in the doorway, I started to speak in a gravely mucus field voice, “Well… well… well, Mr. Payton we meet again. I wish it was under better circumstances, but it brings me great sadness to say that the season has concluded, and it looks like, well there is no easy way to say this but, the Broncos have unfortunately missed out on the playoffs yet again...” Sean looks at me with the most confused look on his face and said “what the hell are doing inside my house?” I looked at him just as confused and after I coughed up a Lougee and spit it on his freshly coated hardwood floors, I responded with “I’m here to give you your yearly performance review” he looks at me with more confusion than before and says “who the hell are you? you know what I don’t care, get the hell out of my house before I call the cops.” I respond with a finally clear throat “there’s no need for law enforce” I rub and pat the seat next to me and say, “why don’t you come on over and we can have a little chat…” to my surprise and grin he wondered over and took a sit next to me and says “you have 3 minutes.” I thought to myself no way I can’t believe that actually worked... maybe movies are real… He looks me in the eyes, and I start to talk with the most nervous stutter I’ve ever had. “Wha wha wha, where did you get this couch; my god is it comfortable?” He smiles at me and says, “you have 2 minutes.”

“Alright, Alright so were not doing small talk I get it, this was the year Sean, is it ok if I call you Sean?” “No!” “Ok Great…” “this was the year Sean, look at the division it was in complete shambles. The Chiefs took a step back, Brandon Staley coached the Chargers into the ground while in the process Herbert got hurt and The Raiders, well The Raiders are The Raiders. Now I know you have elements that are out of your control that you can blame other than yourself. Like Russell Wilson for example… I’m not going to lie about this but you kind of made Russell salvageable again. You helped Russell get back to somewhat normal. He had 10 more touchdowns than last year; he had a much better passer rating and most importantly the Broncos had a better record. But it still wasn’t enough to get this team to the playoffs. I would like to say that the defense was your fault but you and I both know that is not your department. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I truly don’t think it was your fault Sean…” He walks away and looks at me with a non-smug smile and says “Go Onnn, but hey before you continue, I’m going to put the kettle on would you like some tea?” I ash out my Sherlock pipe into an old Diet Mountain can and say “yeah, tea sounds great do you have any Earl Grey?” he pokes his head out of the kitchen and says “no just ginger lemon if that’s ok? I respond, “boy I would really love a cup of Earl Grey, but I guess ginger lemon is ok.”

               After a couple of minutes Sean comes walking over with two piping hot mugs of tea and sets them down on the table in front of us. He then crossed his legs, took a long sip of tea, and said “you were saying” I then grabbed my tea, crossed my legs, and took a giant swig. While taking my first sip I burned my whole entire mouth, but I continued with my review with scorched lips hindering the process. “The Broncos higher ups deserve most of the blame, I know you had a great roster built around a young defense, with offense weapons for days. To be honest I didn’t hate the move to bring in Russell Wilson but then I saw the contract and the first thing that came to mine was, how am I out of Oreos, second that’s way too much money and way to way years to spend on a mobile quarterback in his early thirties. What were the Broncos thinking? I know the Waltons have a lot of money and they want to win now but that is an insane contract to offer an aging quarterback not named Tom Brady. I’m sure you would agree Sean.” He took another vigorous sip of tea and nodded his head in agreement, or he was just cracking his neck. I couldn’t tell because my eyes were still watering from how hot my first sip was. I looked at him as he continued to sip his tea and said “how the hell are you still drinking that its soo hot?” he looked at me with that famous smug face and said “if you have felt the heat of a pressure packed Super Bowl this would be nothing for you, I have ice in my veins that cools down my tea.” Once I heard that I thought, boy I would run through a brick wall for this guy… Then me thinking I have ice in my veins I took another giant sip and instantly spat it out all over myself and said “yeahhh I definitely don’t have ice in my veins.” He laughed for the first time all night and said, “you will get there one day.” I felt like I was forming a real friendship with this guy.

He ran to the kitchen and grabbed a large fancy square whiskey ice cube from the freezer and plopped it right in my tea and I looked at him with puppy dog eyes and said “Thank You Sean, that’s way to kind of you” he sat back down, and I continued talking about how I thought the offensive game plan was great and Russell just didn’t know what he was doing back there. When I was finished talking about all the positives of the year it was unfortunately time for me to bring up the flaws that he over the course of the season. I told him with a nervous voice “It’s just a thought but you might want try using those great wide receivers in different ways, getting them in space could really help you in the long run, maybe try getting the ball out quicker because Russell seems to struggle with every extra second he spends in the pocket and I don’t know maybe try being nicer to the players, don’t yell so much, there is an old saying, you catch more bees with honey than vinegar… you're clearly a nice guy, you got me tea even after I broke into your house.” I thought he would instantly kick me out of his house once I started talking about the negatives. But to my surprise he seemed to be more and more engaged with each sip of tea I had and each word I said. I started falling deeper and deeper into those eyes, it was like I took Amortentia, a love potion from the Harry Potter series. Sean then said to me with a interested look on his face, “those are some great ideas; I will take them into account for next season.” “Really?” I responded with genuine curiosity” “Wow, you know what Sean, I was wrong about you, I thought you were just this smug a-hole whose shit didn’t stink but boy was I wrong, I am utterly surprised by you, you have been so nice and welcoming to me, I think you are all set up to have one of your best seasons ever next year.”

All of a sudden, I started to feel real sleepy with all my body parts beginning to go numb, the next thing I know my vison started to blur and I saw 9 fingers on my right hand, I looked at Sean with slobber coming out the corner of my mouth and said “what did you put in my teaaa?” before I could finish my sentence, I fell over and collided with the spit covered hardwood floor… the next morning I woke up in a cold jail cell with a brown folder taped to my chest. I slowly started to lift my body up off the hard metal bench I was laying on into a sitting up position when I looked to my right and saw a guy picking his nose and flicking the boogers all over the jail cell walls. My eyes may have been deceiving me, but it looked like he was making a portrait of the Milky Way Galaxy with all the remnants inside his nose. It could have been some side effects of the tea I had but I started staring harder and harder at it till my head hurt but I swear I saw Orien and his Belt; I began to wonder to myself if this guy was Booger Picasso and how many stars were in that noise of his, I mean they just kept coming there had to be at least a hundred rolled up boogers on the walls of this jail cell. Once I was done being memorized by the skills of the Booger Picasso, I looked down at the folder that was taped to my chest and slowly started to open it, revealing a restraining order from Sean Payton and his family. I staired at it in disbelief for a couple minutes and said out loud “Huh… maybe I wasn’t forming a long-lasting friendship with Sean.”