Ride On The Magic Trust Bus!

The definition of trust is, assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. (or something my kids will never see) So, with that being the definition of trust so elegantly written by Merriam-Websters Dictionary, who can we actually trust in the NFL this year… No one? Trusting NFL teams is like trusting every character in Martin Scorsese’s 2006 masterpiece The Departed, You Can’t! Every team is more corrupt than Captain Queenan’s Boston Police Department. Like every year around this time, I feel like William Costigan Jr. when putting any sort of trust in The Cowboys, I’m into deep and eventually I will be betrayed. They clearly can’t win anywhere but inside of Jerry Jones billion-dollar AT&T Stadium. The intimidating shadow of the giant score board mixed with the speed of Micah Parsons must disorient opposing teams from playing well… Yesterday evening the mostly inept Buffalo Bills smoked the Cowboys more than a brisket from Terry Blacks Barbecue. The Cowboys lost by 21 points. It wasn’t even fair, James Cook of all people decided to have his best game of the year while he was sitting on everyone’s fantasy benches. Dak resorted to doing Dak things, he looked as confused as me at the end of The Departed. The Cowboys offense looked completely lost out there, not being able to move the ball down the field at all. The people from the show Lost looked more found than the Cowboys yesterday. That might be because the Bills are good…?

                Speaking of untrustworthy teams, The Buffalo Bills must be at the top of that list. One week they look like The Mean Machine before Paul Crewe got there and the next week they are beating up on the guards. They just have to be one of the most confusing teams in the NFL. The Bills are more confusing than listening to Neil Degrasse Tyson explain how quantum physics works. I picked up his book “Astrophysics for People in a Hurry” thinking I could learn a thing or two about the universe, boy I was way wrong. The number of large words that man uses just blew my mind I was googling every other word, just trying to make sense of what he was saying. That book taught me one thing, that I am way too stupid to figure out how Astrophysics works. I may not know how astrophysics works but I do know despite all of their mishaps and turnovers mostly caused by Josh Allens right arm, if there is one team that the top of the AFC doesn’t want to see in the first round of the playoffs it has to be those Bills. I don’t know what’s less trustworthy this year the Bills organization as a hole or the Kanas City Chiefs wide receivers’ hands.

Yesterday the Chiefs played a game against the hapless New England Patriots in which they added to their drop count on the season. Once again Kadarius Toney was in the news when a ball that bounced off his gloves and ended up right in the hands of Patriots Linebacker Jahlani Tavai with about 9 mins left in the 4th, which kind of let the Patriots back into the game. That was Toney’s 4th drop of the season, that’s not including the issues he has had lining up onsides this season. I don’t know how Mahomes can even trust the guy anymore. Travis Kelce even got in the mix by dropping a touchdown pass that would have given the Chiefs a 21-10 lead but instead they ended up settling for a Harrison Butker field goal to take a 17-10 lead. Travis Kelce has been Mahomes most trusted target over their championship runs and he can’t even be trusted, if you can trust him who can you trust? Maybe the 3rd string running back. Who would of thunk that out of all the pass catchers on the Chiefs that one of the backup running backs Clyde Edwards-Helaire would have the best hands on the team. He made a circus catch in the back of the endzone that made every receiver on the Chiefs jealous of his hands. But in the end despite all the mishaps, The Chiefs with Rashee Rice having a stellar game and its stout defense, look good because they beat a (3-13) Patriots team with half of Bill Belichick’s brain being in LA thinking about how he can improve a Chargers team that lost 63-21 on Thursday to the Raiders.

Let’s take a moment and go on a little journey through the teams you can’t trust that are in the playoffs as of week 15. We’re going to hop on Ms. Valerie Frizzle’s Magic School Bus and shrink down to the size of a peanut to do a deep dive on the untrustworthy teams in the NFL. We begin are journey through the body of the NFL in the veins of the AFC with The Ravens who look like a prime candidate that you should be able to trust come playoff time with an explosive offense, with a great run game and a great defense but there is one problem, Lamar seems to crumble in playoffs but maybe this year will be different. The Dolphins are the definition of an untrustworthy playoff team. They have a high-powered offense that works great on a warm November Miami afternoon but if they have to head north into the cold, I don’t think this team is built for that. The Chiefs can’t trust their receivers. But if they figure it out and they start catching passes, they would make the list of trustworthy pretty easily. The Jaguars, good god no. Trevor Lawernce makes too many mistakes for them to trust. The Browns… now they are puzzling, still don’t trust them but they have been winning with Great defense maybe an all-time great defense and now they’re on to their fourth QB in Joe Flacco. Who has played great over these past few weeks. It’s like Joe Flacco hopped in Dr. Who’s time machine and is looking like the Ravens Super Bowl winning quarterback of yester year. It is an amazing Coaching Job from Kevin Stefanski, he has revitalized a gray haired Flacco. The Bengals you can’t trust without Joe Burrow. The Colts, how are they (8-6)? Can’t trust them by any means. How are they (8-6) again?

Let’s take this Bus on over to the veins of the NFC and begin with maybe the only trustworthy team on this list, The 49ers. The 49ers are the closest thing to trustworthy that we will find. Great Coach, good defense, fire power all over the offense, best running back in the league. The only thing that is untrustworthy on the whole team is the QB Brock Purdy. He has been good since becoming the starter last year. So, he isn’t even that untrustworthy. I would say the 49ers are the most trustworthy without question. The Eagles is a no from me that defense is bad. They have not been good this year by any means. The Lions, it’s The Lions do I need to say more… The Cowboys which we went over earlier in the curriculum where we found out that they are as trustworthy as Colin Sulivan. The Buccaneers who play in the worst division in football can’t be trusted for so many reasons. I would need to write a book as long as Stephen Kings latest novel to explain all the reason why Buccaneers are untrustworthy. The Vikings are a hard no with their 4th string QB. If they had Kirk now that would be a different story. The Rams, now this is a sneaky good team. They are starting to scare a lot of teams in the NFC and most importantly Sean Mcvay and Matt Stafford have done it before. But can you trust them? That’s still a no even though they are getting hot at the right time. Matt Stafford has thrown the most pick sixes among active QB’s in the NFL with 30.  Stafford makes way too many mistakes for them to be in the conversation with the 49ers.

“So, kids what did we learn on our journey through the body of the NFL?” “That every team expect the 49ers is going to shoot you f****** dead in an elevator.” “Timmy Language!” “Despite Timmy’s use of foul language, class he’s right.” It’s a great lesson for life as well. Don’t put any trust in anything or anyone because if given the chance to help you with something most people in this world will leave your corps to rot in an elevator as they move on with their self-absorbed lives instead of carrying you to the hospital… Well, that’s a pretty depressing way to end today’s lecture. So, let’s lighten the mood a little with a classic dad joke…. Why aren’t koalas considered bears? They don’t have the right koala-fications. Holy Bleep that’s a bad joke…

Fantasy Football Playoffs

You feel that? That tingle in your stomach, that uncalled for rage towards one of your good friends, that brain aneurysm starting to form because you have been up since Tuesday night trying to figure out if the Atlanta Falcons defense can get you 7 points against a dreadful, interception prone, Bryce Young and his Carolina Panthers offense, Boy I sure hope they can….! Ahhhh those feelings can only mean one thing, the beginning of the fantasy football playoffs. Tonight marks the start of the Fantasy Football playoffs, that is unless your league is strange and started them a month ago because you have 40-man league with a 20-team playoff where your number one running back is Chase Brown from the Bengals… It also marks the beginning of people talking about their fantasy teams that nobody cares about but you and against people that nobody knows. In case you’re wondering I got third in the regular season with the most points in my league and now I’m gearing up for a match up against a team that couldn’t be hotter, kind of B.S. if you ask me… “Brett Nobody Cares!”

                Fantasy football seems to bring the worst out in everyone. From the shit talking on the chat calling people some of the worst names that you could call a human, to making fun of their wives, to even making fun of their speech impediments and the fact that they stutter through every other word… I’m fine by the way, as I push back the tears cascading from eyes… but it’s all ok because you put an LOL at the end. Some of the worst examples of fantasy players being horrible to each other come in the form of the last place challenges that are forced on people by some of the leagues. There have been some real doozies that people have come up with over the years. I was driving down one of the major street corners on the south side of the Twin Cities metro area and saw a guy dressed as the statue of liberty holding a giant sign that said “I Suck At Fantasy Football” I about died… People were honking left and right; you couldn’t help but smile at that guy’s sheer pain caused by embarrassment. He probably took Nick Chubb with his first pick… Poor Bastard… Some leagues are more brutal than that and force the last place team to get a tattoo that says, Fantasy Loser with the year… that is just mean, all because they decided to take Justin Jefferson with the first overall pick. One of the best ones I saw online was, a guy had to sit down at Chucky Cheese (when it was busy) ask for a table for one, order a large pizza and he couldn’t leave until it was all gone while every parent in the building stared at him worried for their kids safety. Now that’s just clean, family, creepy fun! My experience from getting last place wasn’t as clever as that, all I had to do was the Blazin’ Challenge and I about died because I am such a little wimp when it comes to spice. I took one bite and the waiter must of saw the look on my face because he came over at least 12 times in a minute and asked “if I was doing alright?” I smiled through my scorched red lips and spat out a sarcastic “yeah man, I’m doing great…” then he proceeded to give me a gallon of milk and a bowl of ice cream without me asking for it, I must have seemed fine… Buttttt, that won’t happen this year because I have McCaffrey… “Brett nobody cares about your second overall pick.”

There is something about fantasy that just gets under our skin, and we turn into despicable human beings. I don’t understand what happens to me, it’s like I become the Hulk, not the nice Mark Ruffalo avengers Hulk but the depressed and scary, might rip your head off for jay walking, Eric Bana Hulk. Theres is an even stranger phenomenon other than our constant mood swings that seem to form throughout Fantasy Football season, I have never seen my friends fist pump at any Minnesota Vikings touchdown in my life, not even during the “Minneapolis Miracle," they just sat in their chairs not moving and whispered to one another “that was a pretty good play” but when it comes to Josh Downs scoring a random 20-yard end around for The Colts in week 5, they will get up off their chairs and scream in joy… it’s the most confusing thing on the planet. We could make a nature documentary about the human fantasy football player in the wild.

                But why do we care so much about some random players more than our hometown teams? We can’t care this much because we want to win a $5 dollar trophy we bought at Hobby Lobby 10 years ago, where the football is held together by a couple strips of duct tape, we found in Red Greens garage. Maybe it’s the fact that we want to just bury our friends in a pile of stats and numbers so we can talk massive amounts of yarf for a full calendar year or maybe it’s the fact that we invest way too much time and money into this addiction from mock drafts to listening to hours of podcast to watching hours of YouTube videos, just to gather the most information as possible. We seem to know more about the Cardinals offensive line play than we do about our parents’ jobs. I never touched a mock draft in my life until a few years ago but then one faithful day when I opened my Yahoo app and tried it for the first time, I was fully addicted. It was like trying Walter Whites Meth for the first time, one hit and I couldn’t stop… or so I have been told… You mean to tell me that I can do the best part of the fantasy season as many times as I want; I’d stay up till the wee hours of the morning trying to build the perfect fantasy team, over and over again I would try draft after draft, I couldn’t sleep until I felt that I accomplished that feat. Then comes draft day and I couldn’t be more excited because I have the perfect strategy for the perfect team, but you quickly realize those bots your picking against in the mock drafts are much dumber than your friends and you have no shot at getting the team you want… Timeout, wait a second, Keenan Allen isn’t playing tonight because of a “Heel” injury? This is some Bull.... “Brett nobody cares about your Fantasy teams injuries…”

                As I gear up for my big 3 seed vs 6 seed match up this weekend against a team that has Kyren Williams and Ja’Marr Chase. “Nobody Cares” I am not thinking about my players match ups, even though for the most part they are all pretty good. “Nobody Cares” I am thinking about the insults that I can use to belittle my opponent, Shane. Oh, that’s right, I’m sorry you don’t know Shane, let me tell you about him, he’s a great guy who… “Nobody Cares about your friend Shane” Fine! As you gear up for your Fantasy match up this weekend, that could be for a chance to play for the Championship or it could be for a chance to play for the constellation championship, hell it could be an opportunity to play for an all-expense paid trip to Chucky Cheese. Just remember as you’re setting your line up for the last time, calling your neighbor Doug for advice on if you should bench Patrick Mahomes for Tommy DeVito, (he asked if I was on drugs) nobody cares as much about your team as you do, and nobody cares about your league as much as you do. With that being said, good luck this weekend, hopefully your fantasy team performs up to standards and you’re not stuck at some tattoo parlor getting your buddies face tattooed on your inner right thigh....

A Griswold Family Double Header!

                When I saw that there was a Monday Night double header in the middle of December, I lit up like Clark Griswold’s Christmas Lights after Ellen finally flipped the switch to turn on the lights and blinded the whole city of Chicago. I was gleaming with joy, but that joy quickly turned into disappointment when I saw it was Packers vs Giants and Dolphins vs Titans. I was more disappointed than Clark when he saw Cousin Eddie in his front yard wearing a white robe and a trapper hat, pumping the RV's shitter into the storm drain. It did not look like great match ups on paper, but paper can be deceiving and so can my eyes, because last night we ended up with two great finishes. I was more surprised than Clark when he opened his Christmas bonus envelope, only to find a Jelly of The Month Club membership. By the way, there is only one Christmas movie that should be watched every year. Don’t come at me telling me that Home Alone, Elf and a Christmas story are better movies than Christmas Vacation. Nothing and I mean nothing will have you laughing more than the dysfunctional Griswold Family Christmas, that we all can all relate to.

                The Packers Giants game last night was a doozy to say the least. The second half was filled with more action than Clark going sledding after applying his companies new cooking spray on his sled. With back and forth scoring from both teams. It was actually fun to watch, especially when I went into it with little to no expectations. Once again, a prime-time game came down to the wire with this local, still lives with his parents, New York, folk hero, Tommy DeVito being the savior once again. Well, he and back up kicker Randy Bullock who nailed the game winning Kick From 37 yards out, wearing the number 46 on his jersey, which caught me off guard for a second. Tommy DeVito and his Italian finger celebration has been hotter than Johns of Bleecker’s coal fired pizza oven. In the words of Judge Smails “the mans a menace.” His first two games on to the scene were less than stellar with passer ratings of 78.1 and 67.8, but since then in his last three starts he has a combined passer rating of 118.5 with 5 touchdowns and 0 interceptions. He has been hotter than a slice of pepperoni pizza from Joe’s. He somehow has led the Giants to 3 straight victories over the Commanders, Patriots and now the Packers, saving everyone’s job in the process well everyone’s but Daniel Jones who may be on his way out of town faster than the squirrel running through the Griswold’s home. Speaking of another thing that has been moving faster than that squirrel is The Italian finger celebration, it has taken the league by storm. He seems to have all the Giants faithful in the stands doing it whenever they score a touchdown. It reminds me of the Money Manziel celebration but a little more hole some… With the win last night Tommy DeVito has taken a Giants team that was colder than an Italian Ice from Ralphs and put them right back in the playoff conversation somehow…

Now to a team that is slowing working its way out of the AFC number one seed conversation in the Miami Dolphins. What the hell happened last night to the Dolphins when they had a 27-13 lead with 4:34 left in the fourth quarter? The only thing I can think of is that the defense decided to just stop playing and give up big play after big play to Will Levis and Deandre Hopkins. The Dolphin’s lead was gone faster than Cousin Eddie driving his RV to go pick up Frank Shirley. Levis and Hopkins made it look easy, they cut through the Dolphins defense like a Ballad from Chris Stapleton cutting through a sold-out crowds’ hearts. It was impressive to watch, so impressive I’m ready to crown Will Levis the next great QB in the NFL. Well almost he has a long way to go before that happens. But those last 4 minutes from Will were really impressive. More importantly how do the Dolphins let a pretty awful Titans team led by a rookie QB come into their house on prime time and beat them in the final seconds. I’m sorry, not just beat them but let them comeback from down 14 points with 4:34 left on the clock. It’s insane, now there were a few major problems for the Dolphins last night, they got a little banged up throughout the game. Some injuries happened on the offensive line which left Tua no time to throw at all. But the big one was that Tyreek Hill went down in the first half with an ankle injury from a nasty uncalled horse collar tackle. After that he just wasn’t the same, taking long periods of time off and when he was on the field, he just didn’t look the same, he didn’t have the same speed and explosiveness that we are used to seeing out of the NFL’s receiving yards leader.

What do we do with Dolphins, I want them to be good so bad and make a deep run in these playoffs, they are way too much fun to watch. They have a greatest show on turf feel to them, with Tua commanding the huddle and throwing some of the most accurate passes this league has ever seen. The Dolphins have speed everywhere from Tyreek running past everyone on the field, to the explosive back field with Raheem Mostert and Devon Achane that seem to bust 50-yard runs on every down. But you can’t trust the Dolphins at all, they seem to stub their toes more than Margo Chester after Clark turns on his lights for the first time. If they don’t watch their backs and start putting some space between them and The Bills. I hate to say it, but The Bills might come charging right up behind them and snatch the division right from their flippers.

The NFL should throw some more random double headers on Monday Nights at us. That was fun. Granted It helped that the games were good. If we had two bad games, I don’t think my mood would be the same this morning. But two good games with great finishes, sprinkled in with a little Peyton and Eli who had no idea what they were doing with two games going on at once. It just goes to show how good Scott Hansen is on the Red Zone Channel with the Octo Box going he still can command the boradcast like a boss. But all in all, it made for a pretty darn fun night. Almost as fun as sitting around on Christmas Eve watching Christmas Vacation with my family laughing at the same stupid jokes that we hear year after year. How can you not laugh when Cousin Eddie yells at the neighbor “the shitter was full”? It’s an amazing comedy movie, some of Chevy Chases best work, with so many one liner’s that it will have you in stiches. I will die on this hill, that it is the greatest Christmas Movie of all time. If you haven’t seen it in a while or at all, give it a shot, trust me the only thing you will regrate is not having enough stiches…