Gambling On The Masters.

Can you feel it? That tingle in your stomach, that warmth in the air. Can you hear it? The silky smooth sounds of Ray Charles “Georgia On My Mind” ringing through the towering pines at Augusta. “Georgia, Georgia, The Whole Day Through.” Can You see it?

“No Brett! I’m Blind…”

“Sorry Ray... that’s on me…”

Let’s try this again… Can you see it? The brown dormant grass gradually turning into luscious green fairways, vibrant pink azaleas in bloom, the best players in the world choking on Rays long snaking creek (I said creek). Ahh it’s Masters week.

I can’t believe a year has passed since Scottie Scheffler’s happy feet won him his second green jacket in three years. A lot has changed in a year since we last saw Augusta. Thanks to Hurricane Helena a few trees have been removed while a trio of greens had to be replaced. My waistline has become a little girthier. A couple of my friends had children. Rory McIlroy lost the U.S. Open in heartbreaking fashion but gained redemption at The Players and most importantly Call of Duty brought back Verdansk. But one thing hasn’t changed and that’s the fact that I still don’t know how the hell you bet on golf…

About this time Wednesday during Masters week, I usually load up the Volkswagen with degenerate gamblers and head south to the land of corn fields to place a few bets on The Masters. But I haven’t felt the urge this year. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing when it comes to betting on golf. When I get to the kiosk at Diamond Jo’s chain-smoking riddled barn on the border of Minnesota and Iowa, I pull a $50 bill out of my lint filled pocket and slide it in the slot just to have it be rejected by the kiosk. It's a stern reminder of every time I try this pick-up line at a bar,

“You know how much polar bear weighs?”

“Umm No?”

“Enough to break the ice… Hi I’m Brett.”

“Get away from me…”

After the first rejection from the kiosk, I begin to whisper to myself,

“Maybe that’s a sign to turn around and go home.”

But I don’t listen. I never listen to that voice in my head. I take that $50 bill, rub it against my thigh to get all the creases out and try to insert into the same unwelcoming slot. After 5 maybe 6 tries the kiosk finally gobbles up my money and that’s when I begin to just stare aimlessly at a never-ending list of names that I know nothing about until I end up saying,

“F it! It’s his year… I’m just going throw $20 on Rory to win.”

Spoiler alert I have never won any money…

After I inevitably waste that $20 on Rory, it usually leaves me with $30 to play with. That’s when I scroll to the bottom of the list to find Freddy Couples smooth swinging behind and toss a 5’er on him to win The Masters. His odds are usually in the +200000, which means there is some value there. Once I bet Freddy to win, I peak on over at his top 20 odds and see +4500, get excited and throw another 5’er on that while thinking,

“Ahh its Freddy his got one last one in him…”

After I put $5 to $10 of hope on Freddy I’m left with $20, and this is when I start to get really confused…

I begin looking for different bets like,

Will There Be an Albatross?

“Probably not… but Bryson can hit the ball pretty darn far, he might be able to do it… F it, I’m in for a 5’er…”

Group Combined Hole Score - Hole 1 – Round 1.

“Oh, this seems too easy… First round jitters will cause everyone to be over par. F it, I’m in for a 5’er.”

Leader After Round One.

“That Aberg guy is pretty darn good, and he is Swedish, he could easily be in the lead after round 1. F it, I’m in for a 5’er.”

Will The Winner Be From The USA?

“Ahh Yeah… USA, USA, USA… Crap… I just realized if someone from the USA wins that means Rory loses causing me to lose that bet… Boy, math is hard. F it, I’m in for a 5’er…”

It’s bets like those that get me in trouble, I just say, F it, I’m in for a 5’er and before I know it, I’m out of money and don’t have a clue what I actually bet on. But I’ve come to realize after losing all my money over the years while betting on The Masters that The Masters isn’t really about gambling. It’s about a tradition unlike any other. Watching Rory McIlroy lose another green jacket. I’m just kidding Rory, I didn’t mean that... If you can believe it, I'm actually pulling for you this weekend…

The Masters is about a golf course that is as beautiful as it is hard. It’s about a player’s mental strength to get through 4-rounds of amen corner unscathed. It’s about watching the best players in the world crumble over a 3-foot putt like we do at our local municipal course with an ice-cold Coors Light on the line. It’s about texting your friends “are you watching this” when Tiger is about to complete the greatest comeback in sports history by winning in 2019. But most importantly It’s about spending time with your dad while listening to him reminisce about the time he was there and hearing him say,

“Brett, I don’t know if things have changed since 1992 but tv just doesn’t give the course justice for how hilly and beautiful it is.”

Those stories never get old and neither does springtime down in Augusta Georgia.

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy The Masters.

Oh, Vikings Fans This Is Fun… Isn’t It?

Well Minnesota Vikings fans we meet again, I wish it was under better circumstances. I truly wish I could sit here and talk about you winning the long-awaited Super Bowl Championship on the back of Sam Darnold that you’ve been chasing since 1960. But that’s not the case… I’m going to dance around that soar subject quicker than Fran Tarkenton danced around defensive lineman in the 60’s. But ever since the days of happy feet Fran Tarkenton, the Vikings have been in search of a franchise quarterback. Don’t get me wrong, there were stints of quarterbacks that were franchise worthy. Including Daunte Culpepper, Randall Cunningham, Teddy Bridgewater, Sam Bradford, Kirk Cousins and who can forget the franchise saving legend from Florida State, Christian Ponder. But they all seem to have the same common denominator, look promising for a couple of years and then fizzle out by year 3. Holy bleep I almost forgot about the year of Donovan McNabb. That was a rough one to watch…

There was one outlier in the Vikings franchise quarterback search and that came in the form of a gray haired (in multiple areas) gunslinger from your next-door neighboring rival Green Bay Packers. Back in 2009 Brett Favre, after a small cup of coffee mixed with a few unsolicited pictures with Jets and some strange overhead shots of Favre getting out of a private plane on a lonely tarmac in Minneapolis, decided to make Minnesota his home in chase of a ring and let’s be honest a little NFC North revenge tour. By the way I miss the days of grainy overhead shots from traffic helicopters of players flying into cities to have meetings with teams. Ahh what a time that was. I remember when it was announced that Brett Favre was joining the Vikings. It seemed to drive everyone crazy from Vikings fans not wanting the Packers moldy under the table cheese scraps to Packers fan being angry and bitter that their beloved McSwiggin’s Bartender would choose the team from across the Stillwater lift bridge. It was great there hasn’t been that much hatred been Wisconsin and Minnesota since 1949 when Louie Spray caught the word record Musky on Wisconsin’s Chippewa Flowage.

But in the end, it seemed to work out in everyone’s favor. The Vikings had a majestic run through the playoffs till it was ultimately spoiled by a couple of head-hunting linebackers and a cross-body throw from Favre that was intercepted by Joey Porter in the NFC Championship which led to a Saints victory in overtime to send them to the Superbowl. Where they would end up beating the Colts to lift the Lombardi trophy for the first time. While Packers’ fans got what they wanted, the Vikings losing in heart breaking fashion and a new franchise quarterback in Aaron Rodgers who a year later won a Superbowl for Green Bay.

“Hey Brett?”

“Yeah…”

“Ummm quick question. Why the hell are you making me suffer through these awful memories again! I just got over the 2009 NFC Championship last year.”

“Well, A. You need to sort some real issues out if you just got over the 2009 NFC Championship last year and B. there’s a point to this, it may not be a good one but there is one…”

This brings me to my point that I was trying to make before I was rudely interrupted by… I guess myself… Anyways, the Vikings announced today that they are moving forward with J.J. McCarthy at quarterback, which is fine, give the privilege kid from the University of Michigan all-stars a chance to see what he has got, you drafted him for a reason and after last year’s magic with Sam Darnold there is no denying that Kevin O’Connell can flat out coach quarterbacks. But Vikings fans have been down this path before with Christian Ponder and Teddy Bridgewater and it didn’t go well. I think even the biggest Ponder fanboys can admit that.

All I’m saying is the only thing that has worked at quarterback for you in the past 15 plus years was the washed-up door county scarps of a Green Bay legend and now you have a chance to repeat the past with Aaron Rodgers but you’re not going to do so because of some 145-pound, check down master from Michigan. I say why not sign Rodgers for a couple years! But Brett McCarthy had one great throw in the preseason vs the Raiders 8th string cornerback. Give me a break… Yes, does Aaron Rodgers come with some baggage sure, but we all do. If you have a chance to grab a chaotic, arrogant, ayahuasca smoking NFL Legend who wants a revenge tour in his old division against his old team who kicked him aside, with an offense that is built to win now, you do it! It’s not like you have to trade McCarthy. He is on a cheap rookie deal and gets to sit behind a guy who has done it in this league for years.

Now I don’t speak for Vikings fans and I’m sure the majority of them don’t want the headache of Rodgers, this is just an outside perspective. If I had a super star wideout combined with a newly built offensive and defensive line mixed with a young 2nd year quarterback coming off a nasty injury which we know nothing about how good he is. I’d call Aaron Rodgers and see if he wants to sign a 2-year deal to go ring chasing one last time. I’m in the minority and I know that, but I love chaos and good stories so by bringing Rodgers back to the Midwest for one last go of it would be headlines for a “Fran”chises lifetime…

Aarongant Quarterback Signs With Vikings.

Aaron Follows In Favre's Footsteps.

Minnesotans Love Culvers and Leftovers From Wisconsin.

Minnesotans Don’t Just Use Wisconsin For Their Lakes They Also Use Them For Their Washed Up Quarterbacks… (That ones a little wordy but you get the gist of it…)

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy Another Lack Luster Season Vikings Fans…

March Madness Is Not Good For My Health...

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog, and I apologize for that. I’ve been taking some time for self-reflection and figuring out what truly is important in life, what my flaws are and what my strengths are. Through the wonderful world of therapy, I have found out that I have a lot more flaws than I previously thought. From gambling to pushing emotions deep down inside to never be seen again. But by talking to someone about day-to-day struggles they have given me a life boat to help me navigate the perfect storm of waves that is life. With that being said I am back with an article about a subject that is near and dear to my heart. An article about a time of year that is special to all of us. A time of year when hope comes in the form of a WAC Conference champion with an elite point guard that nobody has ever heard of or a team out of the sun belt with the best 3-point shooter in the land. I’m talking about everyone’s favorite office dividing activity, The NCAA Tournament. Or is it…

By that first paragraph you probably think I have a crippling addiction to watching and gambling on college athletes dribble a ball around a cavernous stadium somewhere in Mississippi with three fans in attendance for hours on end, but you would be wrong. On the contrary, I haven’t watched three mins of a college game this year. I mean don’t get me wrong I do have an addiction to watching college “students” play with balls but that is not this kind of website… Besides that minor addiction to a website that I don’t want to talk about, I also have an addiction to gambling on sports that I know nothing about. It’s truly my downfall and not great for my health or my bank account. I see one article online about Sunil Narine being the best cricket player in the Indian Premier League and all of sudden I’m an expert on everything cricket. By the way, have you seen that guy play? No? Either have I but he really knows how to slap that stick around while barebacking that Duke or whatever the kids are saying nowadays. It’s clear I know nothing about cricket, yet I still bet on Kolkata to win the title every year.

Norwegian Soccer (Lets Go Molde FK) created a whole world of issues for my gambling on sports I know nothing about addiction. It’s always on so early which is great because daddy needs a little action while he digests his peanut butter coated bagel for breakfast, especially when you hit a couple of big bets on Modle FK over goals, you start thinking you know a thing or two about Erling Haaland before he became Man City’s Erling Haaland. But once Erling followed in his Viking ancestors’ footsteps to the shores of England to battle against the best the premier league has to offer, all my betting knowledge went on the Drakkar with him and let’s just say I started losing faster than a Kentucky Derby horse without a syringe sticking out the side of its left buttock.

“Is there a point to this rambling about a sport in a league that nobody cares about?”

“Why Yes, loyal reader there is.”

“Then Get To It!”

“Fine! I just thought I’d flex a little bit of Norwegian soccer knowledge that I clearly don’t have.”

“We can see that. Get on with it.”

With March Madness (NCAA Tournament) fast approaching this crippling addiction to gambling on sports I don’t know about really rears its ugly head. I mean there are 68 teams I know nothing about playing in 34 games at all hours of the day. This is my nightmare. So much so that every year around this time I begin to hear little whispers coming from my US Bank app on my phone saying things like,

“Don’t do it Brett, you know nothing about Kennesaw State.”

“Why are you betting every 14 seed to make the final four?”

“What the F*** is an Akron Zip.”

I would like to say I listen to my phone's banking app buttt… I don’t. Because it’s way too much fun to bet on a team named after a rubber overshoe sold by B.F. Goodrich in Akron, Ohio than the Ivy League snub Duke Blue Devils with their fancy NBA Roster and payroll. On another note, never would have guessed that’s why Akron is called the Zips… Isn’t their mascot a Kangaroo? Huh… I’m confused, but it’s Ohio, so nothing makes sense…

This brings me to my point. The NCAA Tournament shouldn’t exist. It’s not good for anyone’s health. Nobody needs to do 14 hours of research on the UC Irvine Anteaters back court, with one of the nation’s best teamwide free-throw percentage of 80.7. Nobody should know that! Office pools of paper brackets being tossed in trash after a 16 seeded FDU team upsets Purdue in the first round. What even is an FDU? Nobody knows and yet it cost some poor sole their lunch money. The country is addicted to this thing, and we laugh it off as, oh it’s just harmless fun, come on make a bracket it will be fun. Yeah, it is fun until, the Montana Grizzlys are down 17 with 13 seconds left and you need them to cover 15 points against Texas and the Long Horns have the ball and guess who is done fouling? You guessed it the F’ing Grizzlys! Gosh darn Grizzlys from Missoula, MT, who the hell wants to even go to Missoula? Yeah, really fun Mike from accounting… This was a blast! Glad I joined your stupid office pool!

Sorry Missoula… That’s on me, you kind of took a stray bullet there, I didn’t mean anything by it, I’ve heard your town is lovely and I would embrace the opportunity to come visit your rustic town on the shores of the Rockies and get an ice-cold pint of your finest Moose Drool from Big Sky brewing. Holy bleep you’re right. I am rambling today. I told you this whole March Madness thing is bad for my health.

Anyways I’m putting my foot down for the rest of America who don’t want to be pure pressured into some office pool full of nerds researching the best Big West center in the tournament while all you know is where the name Zips came from thanks to this article. I’m putting my foot down for the people who want to bet on Drake because they heard one thing about a guard out of your hometown, but you know it’s a bad idea because your hometown hasn’t produced anything good since the 1800’s. I’m putting my foot down for the people that log into their yahoo email only to see an ad to win a new Acura if they get a perfect bracket. Let’s put an end to this Madness, let’s stop the waste of a billion paper brackets being tossed in the trash yearly. Let’s cancel the NCAA Tournament.

“How was that?” I reluctantly asked my therapist Calvin.

Calvin then began to slowly cut the ropes that were wrapped around my torso tying me to a creaky wooden chair. He then gradually lifted his callused hand to pat me on the cheek and said in the softest of voices,

“That’s perfect, just what I needed to get my point across about gambling addiction.”

I then stood up, rubbed the rope burn off my chest then said excitedly,

“Alright Good. I’m going to throw a mortgage payment down on Hawai’i to win the natty…”

Calvin looked at me confused and said,

“Did you not listen to the thing I said?”

My eyes rolled back in my head and my brain began to scramble on what to say,

“Umm yeah, that was a joke… I’m actually going to go help my friend Tim move.”

Calvin smiled and said,

“That’s nice of you.”

Calvins smile quickly turned into a smug grin and he said,

"By the way Hawai’i didn’t make the tournament…”

My heart sank into my stomach and I said,

“Damn It! Well… Let’s Go Grizzly’s.”

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy The Madness of NCAA Tournament.

PS, I know I joke around alot on here but in all seriousness therapy is an elite tool in your Swiss Army Knife of life. If you haven’t tried, I would suggest giving it ago. It can’t hurt because we all struggle and it’s ok to ask for help. With that, bet within your means, remember these are college kids and they are about as trustworthy at the free throw line as Bob Baffert around a herd of colts.