March Madness Is Not Good For My Health...

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog, and I apologize for that. I’ve been taking some time for self-reflection and figuring out what truly is important in life, what my flaws are and what my strengths are. Through the wonderful world of therapy, I have found out that I have a lot more flaws than I previously thought. From gambling to pushing emotions deep down inside to never be seen again. But by talking to someone about day-to-day struggles they have given me a life boat to help me navigate the perfect storm of waves that is life. With that being said I am back with an article about a subject that is near and dear to my heart. An article about a time of year that is special to all of us. A time of year when hope comes in the form of a WAC Conference champion with an elite point guard that nobody has ever heard of or a team out of the sun belt with the best 3-point shooter in the land. I’m talking about everyone’s favorite office dividing activity, The NCAA Tournament. Or is it…

By that first paragraph you probably think I have a crippling addiction to watching and gambling on college athletes dribble a ball around a cavernous stadium somewhere in Mississippi with three fans in attendance for hours on end, but you would be wrong. On the contrary, I haven’t watched three mins of a college game this year. I mean don’t get me wrong I do have an addiction to watching college “students” play with balls but that is not this kind of website… Besides that minor addiction to a website that I don’t want to talk about, I also have an addiction to gambling on sports that I know nothing about. It’s truly my downfall and not great for my health or my bank account. I see one article online about Sunil Narine being the best cricket player in the Indian Premier League and all of sudden I’m an expert on everything cricket. By the way, have you seen that guy play? No? Either have I but he really knows how to slap that stick around while barebacking that Duke or whatever the kids are saying nowadays. It’s clear I know nothing about cricket, yet I still bet on Kolkata to win the title every year.

Norwegian Soccer (Lets Go Molde FK) created a whole world of issues for my gambling on sports I know nothing about addiction. It’s always on so early which is great because daddy needs a little action while he digests his peanut butter coated bagel for breakfast, especially when you hit a couple of big bets on Modle FK over goals, you start thinking you know a thing or two about Erling Haaland before he became Man City’s Erling Haaland. But once Erling followed in his Viking ancestors’ footsteps to the shores of England to battle against the best the premier league has to offer, all my betting knowledge went on the Drakkar with him and let’s just say I started losing faster than a Kentucky Derby horse without a syringe sticking out the side of its left buttock.

“Is there a point to this rambling about a sport in a league that nobody cares about?”

“Why Yes, loyal reader there is.”

“Then Get To It!”

“Fine! I just thought I’d flex a little bit of Norwegian soccer knowledge that I clearly don’t have.”

“We can see that. Get on with it.”

With March Madness (NCAA Tournament) fast approaching this crippling addiction to gambling on sports I don’t know about really rears its ugly head. I mean there are 68 teams I know nothing about playing in 34 games at all hours of the day. This is my nightmare. So much so that every year around this time I begin to hear little whispers coming from my US Bank app on my phone saying things like,

“Don’t do it Brett, you know nothing about Kennesaw State.”

“Why are you betting every 14 seed to make the final four?”

“What the F*** is an Akron Zip.”

I would like to say I listen to my phone's banking app buttt… I don’t. Because it’s way too much fun to bet on a team named after a rubber overshoe sold by B.F. Goodrich in Akron, Ohio than the Ivy League snub Duke Blue Devils with their fancy NBA Roster and payroll. On another note, never would have guessed that’s why Akron is called the Zips… Isn’t their mascot a Kangaroo? Huh… I’m confused, but it’s Ohio, so nothing makes sense…

This brings me to my point. The NCAA Tournament shouldn’t exist. It’s not good for anyone’s health. Nobody needs to do 14 hours of research on the UC Irvine Anteaters back court, with one of the nation’s best teamwide free-throw percentage of 80.7. Nobody should know that! Office pools of paper brackets being tossed in trash after a 16 seeded FDU team upsets Purdue in the first round. What even is an FDU? Nobody knows and yet it cost some poor sole their lunch money. The country is addicted to this thing, and we laugh it off as, oh it’s just harmless fun, come on make a bracket it will be fun. Yeah, it is fun until, the Montana Grizzlys are down 17 with 13 seconds left and you need them to cover 15 points against Texas and the Long Horns have the ball and guess who is done fouling? You guessed it the F’ing Grizzlys! Gosh darn Grizzlys from Missoula, MT, who the hell wants to even go to Missoula? Yeah, really fun Mike from accounting… This was a blast! Glad I joined your stupid office pool!

Sorry Missoula… That’s on me, you kind of took a stray bullet there, I didn’t mean anything by it, I’ve heard your town is lovely and I would embrace the opportunity to come visit your rustic town on the shores of the Rockies and get an ice-cold pint of your finest Moose Drool from Big Sky brewing. Holy bleep you’re right. I am rambling today. I told you this whole March Madness thing is bad for my health.

Anyways I’m putting my foot down for the rest of America who don’t want to be pure pressured into some office pool full of nerds researching the best Big West center in the tournament while all you know is where the name Zips came from thanks to this article. I’m putting my foot down for the people who want to bet on Drake because they heard one thing about a guard out of your hometown, but you know it’s a bad idea because your hometown hasn’t produced anything good since the 1800’s. I’m putting my foot down for the people that log into their yahoo email only to see an ad to win a new Acura if they get a perfect bracket. Let’s put an end to this Madness, let’s stop the waste of a billion paper brackets being tossed in the trash yearly. Let’s cancel the NCAA Tournament.

“How was that?” I reluctantly asked my therapist Calvin.

Calvin then began to slowly cut the ropes that were wrapped around my torso tying me to a creaky wooden chair. He then gradually lifted his callused hand to pat me on the cheek and said in the softest of voices,

“That’s perfect, just what I needed to get my point across about gambling addiction.”

I then stood up, rubbed the rope burn off my chest then said excitedly,

“Alright Good. I’m going to throw a mortgage payment down on Hawai’i to win the natty…”

Calvin looked at me confused and said,

“Did you not listen to the thing I said?”

My eyes rolled back in my head and my brain began to scramble on what to say,

“Umm yeah, that was a joke… I’m actually going to go help my friend Tim move.”

Calvin smiled and said,

“That’s nice of you.”

Calvins smile quickly turned into a smug grin and he said,

"By the way Hawai’i didn’t make the tournament…”

My heart sank into my stomach and I said,

“Damn It! Well… Let’s Go Grizzly’s.”

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy The Madness of NCAA Tournament.

PS, I know I joke around alot on here but in all seriousness therapy is an elite tool in your Swiss Army Knife of life. If you haven’t tried, I would suggest giving it ago. It can’t hurt because we all struggle and it’s ok to ask for help. With that, bet within your means, remember these are college kids and they are about as trustworthy at the free throw line as Bob Baffert around a herd of colts.

Unlikely Heroes

With Monday being Veterans Day, I wanted to take a quick second to thank everyone of the over 16.2 million veterans that keep the United States safe for I can sit here and do stupid shit like this. You are truly the real heroes so thank you from the bottom of heart. But it got me thinking of the unlikely heroes throughout this world like, the person who helps an elderly woman with a bag full of groceries cross the street during rush hour traffic. Someone who holds the elevator door open for a young man running late for his first day as a sales rep for Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream. The waiter who cut me off at Olive Garden when I was on my 32nd bread stick in 32 minutes.

“This has to be some kind of a record.”

“It’s endless breadsticks, not end your life breadsticks.”

“F-Off those are my breadsticks.”

“Sir… Sir… Trust me, I’ve seen how this ends and you’ll thank me later.”

Sunday's NFL slate of games was full of unlikely heroes making play after play that helped propel their teams to much needed victories. Let’s start in the most obvious place with Baker Mayfield’s left arm. Baker should take his left arm out for a nice massage, filled with essential oils and a 6’8” man named Bruce after it held off one of the best defensive ends in the league Nick Bosa from sacking him. This 3- to 4-second-long stiff arm allowed just enough time for the right arm of Baker to complete a 9-yard pass to Rachaad White on 4th and 7 with about 1:45 left on the clock to keep the game tying drive alive late in the 4th quarter. Tom Brady on the broadcast was quoted in saying,

“That’s one of the best plays I’ve ever seen a quarterback make.”

I might have to agree with the below average broadcaster. To hold off that beast of a man in that situation just tells you how much competitive fire Baker has deep within his heart. The Bucs went on to lose the game to the 49ers on a Jake Moody 44-yard field goal, but Baker proved something more than a win, that the Bucs aren’t going away even with one arm tied behind their back.  

The unlikely heroes didn’t stop there. After The Denver Broncos drove down the field in the final minutes to set up a 35-yard attempt to win the game with 1 second left, the Chiefs undefeated season looked like it was going to be trampled over. But The Kansas City defensive line was the one that did the trampling over. The whole entire left side of the Broncos offensive line was laying on the ground as the unlikely bottom half of Leo Chenal’s palm flew up in the air to block Wil Lutz’s kick and seal one of the most improbable wins that I’ve ever witnessed. But this seems to be a common theme with The Chiefs this year. They are winning game after game that they shouldn’t be winning. I was telling my buddy before the Broncos lined up for the kick, “if the Chiefs win this game, they are going undefeated this year.” Nothing can stop this team, not 35-yard field goal, not Ravens right talon, not even everyone thinking the refs are rigging the games in their favor. I’m telling you there is something strange happening down in Kansas City and it could be the first undefeated season ever.

If you missed the Lions Texans game last night, it was an instant classic with the Lions mounting a 23-7 second half comeback to beat the Texans 26-23. Lions defense didn’t allow a point in the second half to the high-powered Texans offense on their way to a victory. But that wasn’t the story that caught everyone’s eye, that story came from The Lions unlikeliest of heroes, this time in the form of a brick salesmen from Houston. The Lions kicker Jake Bates was selling bricks this time last year, and he thought his dreams of playing in the NFL were dead but that wasn’t the case. He got an opportunity in the UFL with the Michigan Panthers where he made the most of his opportunity, so much so it landed him a contract with the Lions, and he is now in the NFL kissing poles with his balls. That came out wrong. What I meant to say is he is now sending his balls off to pole dancing school. Nope, why is this so hard to say… He is hitting game winning kicks for The Lions by the narrowest of margins. Nailed it!

The Lions behind one of the worst first halves of football I have seen them play were staring their second loss right in the face. That was until Jake Bates nailed two 50-yard plus field goals in the fourth quarter by the hair on his chinny-chin-chin. His first kick kissed off the right pole with 5 minutes left, and then 5 minutes later with no time on the clock, he cheated on the right pole by kissing the left pole on his way to the game winner. If the Chiefs win didn't happen it would have been the unlikeliest of wins but what likely happened Sunday night after the final field goal went through, was that Jake helped a lot of people realize no matter how old you are, no matter where life has taken you, there is still a chance that you can live out a childhood dream.

Every Sunday there are unlikely heroes scattered throughout the field that we give no credit to, and they can truly be the difference between winning and losing in the NFL. From the long snapper making a great snap that protected a field goal from being blocked to a special team’s player who made a hell of a tackle to save a kick returner from scoring a touchdown or maybe it’s as simple as a water boy who brought out Gatorade just at the right time to give a player the electrolytes they needed to continue to make great plays. Every day good deeds from good people go unnoticed and good plays from good players go unnoticed, so it’s nice to see the unsung heroes get their flowers as well. Now if you would excuse me, I need to take care of this stomach ache caused by 32 Olive Garden breadsticks.

“He could have warned me after breadstick 7 that this was going to happen.”

“I tried too but you had a carnivorous look it your eyes and I wasn’t getting in between that and a handful of breadsticks.”

Thanks For Reading and Thanks To The Millions Of Veterans That Keep Us Safe Every Day.   

Unvaulting My Preseason Thoughts.

I never like to springboard off my poorly sculpted combover into my brain to revisit thoughts I’ve had because that’s a scary place in there that no one should be dolphin kicking inside. My brain is full of thoughts that should be locked away in a casino vault for only Danny Ocean and Rusty Ryan to find. Well let me be honest, it wouldn’t be the first time Danny Ocean in a white Armani suit has unexpectedly wonder through my hippocampus if you know what I mean, but that’s a non football related thought… Anyways it’s the halfway point of the NFL season and I thought it would be a good idea to open up my cranium and take a peek at a few predictions I had before the season started and see how well they have aged…

“Spoiler Alert, not well Brett not well at all.”   

Every year in early August my buddy and I make a way to early division and Super Bowl champion list, that always seems to lead to some pretty great conversations at the end of year about how far we were off.

“You I had the Browns winning the AFC North?”

“Yeah, I thought Deshone Kizer was going to be the truth.”

“They went 0-16…”

“Ok… So, I might have been a little off with that one.”

I’m not one of these people who hope a bad prediction that I make gets washed down the shower drain to never be seen again; I like to lay in a bath of my own filthy awful takes to see how they age. So, without further ado, let me just pull up that Google spreadsheet full of our predictions really quick and see what we got going on.

“Clickity-Clack, meow, tac-tac, woof, click, cluck, clack.”

(Can you tell I have no clue how to write out the sound a keyboard makes.)

(Teams highlighted in green are playoff teams, teams highlighted in red are worst teams in the league.)

Ahhh found it. It was buried in folder marked “Best Whiskey Glazed Salmon.” Why the hell was it in there? But that does remind me I should really make that sometime soon; it has this wonderful whiskey infused gla... Timeout! Salmon is going to have to wait… am I reading this right? Did I really have the Jacksonville Jaguars winning the AFC South with The Tennessee Titans finishing second? Minnesota doesn’t have strong enough drugs for me to be delusional enough to think the Jaguars would win the AFC South while the Texans are in there. What was I thinking? I must have thought the Texans defense and C.J. Stroud would have a sophomore slump together (which I was kind of right about) and that all the Jags intriguing offseason moves like adding, DT Arik Armstead, WR Gabe Davis, S Darnell Savage, rookie WR Brain Thomas Jr. and a couple beefers on the offensive line would have led to more victories. But it just hasn’t. Now I don’t want to put all the blame for Jaguars awful start to the season on that “US Equestrian” cover model Trevor Lawrence. But he has been awful to say the least. So much so the Jags can’t feel good about signing him to a 275 million Dollar contract.

Let’s adventure on over to the AFC East where I thought with Josh Allen losing most of his weapons on the offensive side of the ball, it would have led to the Bills stampeding off Niagara Falls to the bottom of the AFC East. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. Josh has been MVP good this year by spreading the ball around more than a 4-6-3 triple play. All his young receivers and tight ends have been getting an equal number of targets and catches. With Stefon Diggs gone he has been more efficient than ever with his arm and his legs. He has been such an elite passer this year that he has an average passer rating of 105.8 and just threw his first interception in week 8. It’s safe to say this is the best form of Josh Allen I think the world has ever seen. But and this is a Finding Nemo sized butt, is this new construction of the Bills good enough to get past the Chiefs in the AFC? I don’t think so, even with them acquiring Amari Cooper from The Browns, I still don’t think this team is good enough. 

Let’s continue our adventure through my early season predictions by heading south down the Niagara River to the AFC North, where I don’t think I have a darn thing right besides the fact The Browns stink but I thought The Steelers were going to be the worst team in that division. Here’s what I think I know, The Ravens are good, but the Steelers have a better record. The Bengals are the most confusing team in the history of the NFL, but The Steelers have a better record. The Ravens and The Bengals both have had flashes of being the best team in the NFL, but The Steelers have a better record. Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson have put together MVP like seasons, but The Steelers have a better record. I watch a lot of football on Sundays, more than I care to admit, and I don’t have a damn clue who is going to win the AFC North. But I hope it's not The Steelers because that team is borderline unwatchable and we all know what’s going to happen if they make the playoffs, they will be packing their bags headed for nice 6-month vacation on the shores of Cabo after Super Wild Card Weekend even though they have a better record.

How about we get out of the AFC side of my brain and head on over to the NFC side where things aren’t as bad, but still pretty awful. The NFC West and NFC South are too close to call at this point. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I’ve been kind of spot on with those two by picking the Atlanta Falcons to win the NFC South and The 49ers to win the highly contested NFC West. The NFC West is anyone’s game though. While the 49ers and Rams have just been riddled with injuries to key players, my long shot MVP pick Kyler Murray has been elite to start this year by carrying the Cardinals to a surprising record of 5-4 which perches them atop the NFC West. Even with the 49ers and Rams getting healthy at the right time It’s still anyone’s race but with the 49ers getting Christian McCaffrey back from Germany if not this week but next, I expect them to eventually wrap up this division by Christmas. But watch out for those pesky Cardinals cough, cough.  

I may have been right about one side of the NFC, but you can’t say the same about the NFC East and NFC North. Something that shouldn’t have surprised me is how well the Washington Commanders have been behind their future rookie of the year quarterback Jaden Daniels, who has been out here completing hail-mary touchdown passes against unsuspecting bears, all while having bruised ribs. This kid is fearless and poised enough to take Washington to new heights especially since that Commanders made a splashy new addition at the trade deadline by acquiring CB Marshon Lattimore from the Saints. With Commanders in first place of the NFC East let’s look to second place where we find the Philadelphia Eagles who I really thought were going to be worse and Nick Sirianni would be fired by now. But with Saquon Barkley hurdling backwards over the whole entire league on his way to a future offensive player of the year award, The Eagles find themselves right back in the playoff hunt for another year while saving the coach nobody likes job. What’s even more surprising than the Eagles being good this year, is how bad the Cowboys are. Even Dak is on the sideline near the end of the game vs Atlanta saying, “we f****** suck.” Yes, Dak you guys do suck. But hey you don’t suck as much as The Giants, so you can take a little solace in knowing that…

At the halfway point of the 2024 NFL season it’s safe to say we know nothing. By we I mean me… But that’s a common occurrence year after year. On average 6 teams that make the playoffs the year before miss it the next year. It’s a shocking stat but it's not surprising given the NFL’s plague of injuries, scheduling, draft system, salary cap and just general unpredictability of the sport. But that’s what makes the NFL so great. Every year you think your team has a chance. Take the Vikings for example, they were supposed to be bottom of the barrel in the NFC North and they are still in the hunt to be tops in the NFC and on the other side of the spectrum Jets were supposed to be tops in the AFC East and they are staring down a top 10 pick. I’m sure the Jets fans will be completely understanding if they have another top 10 pick this year.

As I bring this to a close and we crawl our way out of my cranium to never be same again after watching Danny Ocean strut back and forth down my corpus callosum for hours on end wearing nothing but a white suit jacket with an exposed... Woah, woah, woah, I’m sorry I just got extremely distracted for some reason. But It got me thinking what do we actually know about the unpredictable NFL? I think we can make a safe assumption that The Patriots and Panthers are bad, The Lions are good and The Chiefs will make the playoffs. Now I know that’s going out on a limb given the way The Chiefs have played over the first half of the season but I kind of have this strange feeling…

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy The Second Half Of The Season.