March Madness Is Not Good For My Health...

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog, and I apologize for that. I’ve been taking some time for self-reflection and figuring out what truly is important in life, what my flaws are and what my strengths are. Through the wonderful world of therapy, I have found out that I have a lot more flaws than I previously thought. From gambling to pushing emotions deep down inside to never be seen again. But by talking to someone about day-to-day struggles they have given me a life boat to help me navigate the perfect storm of waves that is life. With that being said I am back with an article about a subject that is near and dear to my heart. An article about a time of year that is special to all of us. A time of year when hope comes in the form of a WAC Conference champion with an elite point guard that nobody has ever heard of or a team out of the sun belt with the best 3-point shooter in the land. I’m talking about everyone’s favorite office dividing activity, The NCAA Tournament. Or is it…

By that first paragraph you probably think I have a crippling addiction to watching and gambling on college athletes dribble a ball around a cavernous stadium somewhere in Mississippi with three fans in attendance for hours on end, but you would be wrong. On the contrary, I haven’t watched three mins of a college game this year. I mean don’t get me wrong I do have an addiction to watching college “students” play with balls but that is not this kind of website… Besides that minor addiction to a website that I don’t want to talk about, I also have an addiction to gambling on sports that I know nothing about. It’s truly my downfall and not great for my health or my bank account. I see one article online about Sunil Narine being the best cricket player in the Indian Premier League and all of sudden I’m an expert on everything cricket. By the way, have you seen that guy play? No? Either have I but he really knows how to slap that stick around while barebacking that Duke or whatever the kids are saying nowadays. It’s clear I know nothing about cricket, yet I still bet on Kolkata to win the title every year.

Norwegian Soccer (Lets Go Molde FK) created a whole world of issues for my gambling on sports I know nothing about addiction. It’s always on so early which is great because daddy needs a little action while he digests his peanut butter coated bagel for breakfast, especially when you hit a couple of big bets on Modle FK over goals, you start thinking you know a thing or two about Erling Haaland before he became Man City’s Erling Haaland. But once Erling followed in his Viking ancestors’ footsteps to the shores of England to battle against the best the premier league has to offer, all my betting knowledge went on the Drakkar with him and let’s just say I started losing faster than a Kentucky Derby horse without a syringe sticking out the side of its left buttock.

“Is there a point to this rambling about a sport in a league that nobody cares about?”

“Why Yes, loyal reader there is.”

“Then Get To It!”

“Fine! I just thought I’d flex a little bit of Norwegian soccer knowledge that I clearly don’t have.”

“We can see that. Get on with it.”

With March Madness (NCAA Tournament) fast approaching this crippling addiction to gambling on sports I don’t know about really rears its ugly head. I mean there are 68 teams I know nothing about playing in 34 games at all hours of the day. This is my nightmare. So much so that every year around this time I begin to hear little whispers coming from my US Bank app on my phone saying things like,

“Don’t do it Brett, you know nothing about Kennesaw State.”

“Why are you betting every 14 seed to make the final four?”

“What the F*** is an Akron Zip.”

I would like to say I listen to my phone's banking app buttt… I don’t. Because it’s way too much fun to bet on a team named after a rubber overshoe sold by B.F. Goodrich in Akron, Ohio than the Ivy League snub Duke Blue Devils with their fancy NBA Roster and payroll. On another note, never would have guessed that’s why Akron is called the Zips… Isn’t their mascot a Kangaroo? Huh… I’m confused, but it’s Ohio, so nothing makes sense…

This brings me to my point. The NCAA Tournament shouldn’t exist. It’s not good for anyone’s health. Nobody needs to do 14 hours of research on the UC Irvine Anteaters back court, with one of the nation’s best teamwide free-throw percentage of 80.7. Nobody should know that! Office pools of paper brackets being tossed in trash after a 16 seeded FDU team upsets Purdue in the first round. What even is an FDU? Nobody knows and yet it cost some poor sole their lunch money. The country is addicted to this thing, and we laugh it off as, oh it’s just harmless fun, come on make a bracket it will be fun. Yeah, it is fun until, the Montana Grizzlys are down 17 with 13 seconds left and you need them to cover 15 points against Texas and the Long Horns have the ball and guess who is done fouling? You guessed it the F’ing Grizzlys! Gosh darn Grizzlys from Missoula, MT, who the hell wants to even go to Missoula? Yeah, really fun Mike from accounting… This was a blast! Glad I joined your stupid office pool!

Sorry Missoula… That’s on me, you kind of took a stray bullet there, I didn’t mean anything by it, I’ve heard your town is lovely and I would embrace the opportunity to come visit your rustic town on the shores of the Rockies and get an ice-cold pint of your finest Moose Drool from Big Sky brewing. Holy bleep you’re right. I am rambling today. I told you this whole March Madness thing is bad for my health.

Anyways I’m putting my foot down for the rest of America who don’t want to be pure pressured into some office pool full of nerds researching the best Big West center in the tournament while all you know is where the name Zips came from thanks to this article. I’m putting my foot down for the people who want to bet on Drake because they heard one thing about a guard out of your hometown, but you know it’s a bad idea because your hometown hasn’t produced anything good since the 1800’s. I’m putting my foot down for the people that log into their yahoo email only to see an ad to win a new Acura if they get a perfect bracket. Let’s put an end to this Madness, let’s stop the waste of a billion paper brackets being tossed in the trash yearly. Let’s cancel the NCAA Tournament.

“How was that?” I reluctantly asked my therapist Calvin.

Calvin then began to slowly cut the ropes that were wrapped around my torso tying me to a creaky wooden chair. He then gradually lifted his callused hand to pat me on the cheek and said in the softest of voices,

“That’s perfect, just what I needed to get my point across about gambling addiction.”

I then stood up, rubbed the rope burn off my chest then said excitedly,

“Alright Good. I’m going to throw a mortgage payment down on Hawai’i to win the natty…”

Calvin looked at me confused and said,

“Did you not listen to the thing I said?”

My eyes rolled back in my head and my brain began to scramble on what to say,

“Umm yeah, that was a joke… I’m actually going to go help my friend Tim move.”

Calvin smiled and said,

“That’s nice of you.”

Calvins smile quickly turned into a smug grin and he said,

"By the way Hawai’i didn’t make the tournament…”

My heart sank into my stomach and I said,

“Damn It! Well… Let’s Go Grizzly’s.”

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy The Madness of NCAA Tournament.

PS, I know I joke around alot on here but in all seriousness therapy is an elite tool in your Swiss Army Knife of life. If you haven’t tried, I would suggest giving it ago. It can’t hurt because we all struggle and it’s ok to ask for help. With that, bet within your means, remember these are college kids and they are about as trustworthy at the free throw line as Bob Baffert around a herd of colts.