Unlikely Heroes

With Monday being Veterans Day, I wanted to take a quick second to thank everyone of the over 16.2 million veterans that keep the United States safe for I can sit here and do stupid shit like this. You are truly the real heroes so thank you from the bottom of heart. But it got me thinking of the unlikely heroes throughout this world like, the person who helps an elderly woman with a bag full of groceries cross the street during rush hour traffic. Someone who holds the elevator door open for a young man running late for his first day as a sales rep for Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream. The waiter who cut me off at Olive Garden when I was on my 32nd bread stick in 32 minutes.

“This has to be some kind of a record.”

“It’s endless breadsticks, not end your life breadsticks.”

“F-Off those are my breadsticks.”

“Sir… Sir… Trust me, I’ve seen how this ends and you’ll thank me later.”

Sunday's NFL slate of games was full of unlikely heroes making play after play that helped propel their teams to much needed victories. Let’s start in the most obvious place with Baker Mayfield’s left arm. Baker should take his left arm out for a nice massage, filled with essential oils and a 6’8” man named Bruce after it held off one of the best defensive ends in the league Nick Bosa from sacking him. This 3- to 4-second-long stiff arm allowed just enough time for the right arm of Baker to complete a 9-yard pass to Rachaad White on 4th and 7 with about 1:45 left on the clock to keep the game tying drive alive late in the 4th quarter. Tom Brady on the broadcast was quoted in saying,

“That’s one of the best plays I’ve ever seen a quarterback make.”

I might have to agree with the below average broadcaster. To hold off that beast of a man in that situation just tells you how much competitive fire Baker has deep within his heart. The Bucs went on to lose the game to the 49ers on a Jake Moody 44-yard field goal, but Baker proved something more than a win, that the Bucs aren’t going away even with one arm tied behind their back.  

The unlikely heroes didn’t stop there. After The Denver Broncos drove down the field in the final minutes to set up a 35-yard attempt to win the game with 1 second left, the Chiefs undefeated season looked like it was going to be trampled over. But The Kansas City defensive line was the one that did the trampling over. The whole entire left side of the Broncos offensive line was laying on the ground as the unlikely bottom half of Leo Chenal’s palm flew up in the air to block Wil Lutz’s kick and seal one of the most improbable wins that I’ve ever witnessed. But this seems to be a common theme with The Chiefs this year. They are winning game after game that they shouldn’t be winning. I was telling my buddy before the Broncos lined up for the kick, “if the Chiefs win this game, they are going undefeated this year.” Nothing can stop this team, not 35-yard field goal, not Ravens right talon, not even everyone thinking the refs are rigging the games in their favor. I’m telling you there is something strange happening down in Kansas City and it could be the first undefeated season ever.

If you missed the Lions Texans game last night, it was an instant classic with the Lions mounting a 23-7 second half comeback to beat the Texans 26-23. Lions defense didn’t allow a point in the second half to the high-powered Texans offense on their way to a victory. But that wasn’t the story that caught everyone’s eye, that story came from The Lions unlikeliest of heroes, this time in the form of a brick salesmen from Houston. The Lions kicker Jake Bates was selling bricks this time last year, and he thought his dreams of playing in the NFL were dead but that wasn’t the case. He got an opportunity in the UFL with the Michigan Panthers where he made the most of his opportunity, so much so it landed him a contract with the Lions, and he is now in the NFL kissing poles with his balls. That came out wrong. What I meant to say is he is now sending his balls off to pole dancing school. Nope, why is this so hard to say… He is hitting game winning kicks for The Lions by the narrowest of margins. Nailed it!

The Lions behind one of the worst first halves of football I have seen them play were staring their second loss right in the face. That was until Jake Bates nailed two 50-yard plus field goals in the fourth quarter by the hair on his chinny-chin-chin. His first kick kissed off the right pole with 5 minutes left, and then 5 minutes later with no time on the clock, he cheated on the right pole by kissing the left pole on his way to the game winner. If the Chiefs win didn't happen it would have been the unlikeliest of wins but what likely happened Sunday night after the final field goal went through, was that Jake helped a lot of people realize no matter how old you are, no matter where life has taken you, there is still a chance that you can live out a childhood dream.

Every Sunday there are unlikely heroes scattered throughout the field that we give no credit to, and they can truly be the difference between winning and losing in the NFL. From the long snapper making a great snap that protected a field goal from being blocked to a special team’s player who made a hell of a tackle to save a kick returner from scoring a touchdown or maybe it’s as simple as a water boy who brought out Gatorade just at the right time to give a player the electrolytes they needed to continue to make great plays. Every day good deeds from good people go unnoticed and good plays from good players go unnoticed, so it’s nice to see the unsung heroes get their flowers as well. Now if you would excuse me, I need to take care of this stomach ache caused by 32 Olive Garden breadsticks.

“He could have warned me after breadstick 7 that this was going to happen.”

“I tried too but you had a carnivorous look it your eyes and I wasn’t getting in between that and a handful of breadsticks.”

Thanks For Reading and Thanks To The Millions Of Veterans That Keep Us Safe Every Day.   

Unvaulting My Preseason Thoughts.

I never like to springboard off my poorly sculpted combover into my brain to revisit thoughts I’ve had because that’s a scary place in there that no one should be dolphin kicking inside. My brain is full of thoughts that should be locked away in a casino vault for only Danny Ocean and Rusty Ryan to find. Well let me be honest, it wouldn’t be the first time Danny Ocean in a white Armani suit has unexpectedly wonder through my hippocampus if you know what I mean, but that’s a non football related thought… Anyways it’s the halfway point of the NFL season and I thought it would be a good idea to open up my cranium and take a peek at a few predictions I had before the season started and see how well they have aged…

“Spoiler Alert, not well Brett not well at all.”   

Every year in early August my buddy and I make a way to early division and Super Bowl champion list, that always seems to lead to some pretty great conversations at the end of year about how far we were off.

“You I had the Browns winning the AFC North?”

“Yeah, I thought Deshone Kizer was going to be the truth.”

“They went 0-16…”

“Ok… So, I might have been a little off with that one.”

I’m not one of these people who hope a bad prediction that I make gets washed down the shower drain to never be seen again; I like to lay in a bath of my own filthy awful takes to see how they age. So, without further ado, let me just pull up that Google spreadsheet full of our predictions really quick and see what we got going on.

“Clickity-Clack, meow, tac-tac, woof, click, cluck, clack.”

(Can you tell I have no clue how to write out the sound a keyboard makes.)

(Teams highlighted in green are playoff teams, teams highlighted in red are worst teams in the league.)

Ahhh found it. It was buried in folder marked “Best Whiskey Glazed Salmon.” Why the hell was it in there? But that does remind me I should really make that sometime soon; it has this wonderful whiskey infused gla... Timeout! Salmon is going to have to wait… am I reading this right? Did I really have the Jacksonville Jaguars winning the AFC South with The Tennessee Titans finishing second? Minnesota doesn’t have strong enough drugs for me to be delusional enough to think the Jaguars would win the AFC South while the Texans are in there. What was I thinking? I must have thought the Texans defense and C.J. Stroud would have a sophomore slump together (which I was kind of right about) and that all the Jags intriguing offseason moves like adding, DT Arik Armstead, WR Gabe Davis, S Darnell Savage, rookie WR Brain Thomas Jr. and a couple beefers on the offensive line would have led to more victories. But it just hasn’t. Now I don’t want to put all the blame for Jaguars awful start to the season on that “US Equestrian” cover model Trevor Lawrence. But he has been awful to say the least. So much so the Jags can’t feel good about signing him to a 275 million Dollar contract.

Let’s adventure on over to the AFC East where I thought with Josh Allen losing most of his weapons on the offensive side of the ball, it would have led to the Bills stampeding off Niagara Falls to the bottom of the AFC East. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. Josh has been MVP good this year by spreading the ball around more than a 4-6-3 triple play. All his young receivers and tight ends have been getting an equal number of targets and catches. With Stefon Diggs gone he has been more efficient than ever with his arm and his legs. He has been such an elite passer this year that he has an average passer rating of 105.8 and just threw his first interception in week 8. It’s safe to say this is the best form of Josh Allen I think the world has ever seen. But and this is a Finding Nemo sized butt, is this new construction of the Bills good enough to get past the Chiefs in the AFC? I don’t think so, even with them acquiring Amari Cooper from The Browns, I still don’t think this team is good enough. 

Let’s continue our adventure through my early season predictions by heading south down the Niagara River to the AFC North, where I don’t think I have a darn thing right besides the fact The Browns stink but I thought The Steelers were going to be the worst team in that division. Here’s what I think I know, The Ravens are good, but the Steelers have a better record. The Bengals are the most confusing team in the history of the NFL, but The Steelers have a better record. The Ravens and The Bengals both have had flashes of being the best team in the NFL, but The Steelers have a better record. Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson have put together MVP like seasons, but The Steelers have a better record. I watch a lot of football on Sundays, more than I care to admit, and I don’t have a damn clue who is going to win the AFC North. But I hope it's not The Steelers because that team is borderline unwatchable and we all know what’s going to happen if they make the playoffs, they will be packing their bags headed for nice 6-month vacation on the shores of Cabo after Super Wild Card Weekend even though they have a better record.

How about we get out of the AFC side of my brain and head on over to the NFC side where things aren’t as bad, but still pretty awful. The NFC West and NFC South are too close to call at this point. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I’ve been kind of spot on with those two by picking the Atlanta Falcons to win the NFC South and The 49ers to win the highly contested NFC West. The NFC West is anyone’s game though. While the 49ers and Rams have just been riddled with injuries to key players, my long shot MVP pick Kyler Murray has been elite to start this year by carrying the Cardinals to a surprising record of 5-4 which perches them atop the NFC West. Even with the 49ers and Rams getting healthy at the right time It’s still anyone’s race but with the 49ers getting Christian McCaffrey back from Germany if not this week but next, I expect them to eventually wrap up this division by Christmas. But watch out for those pesky Cardinals cough, cough.  

I may have been right about one side of the NFC, but you can’t say the same about the NFC East and NFC North. Something that shouldn’t have surprised me is how well the Washington Commanders have been behind their future rookie of the year quarterback Jaden Daniels, who has been out here completing hail-mary touchdown passes against unsuspecting bears, all while having bruised ribs. This kid is fearless and poised enough to take Washington to new heights especially since that Commanders made a splashy new addition at the trade deadline by acquiring CB Marshon Lattimore from the Saints. With Commanders in first place of the NFC East let’s look to second place where we find the Philadelphia Eagles who I really thought were going to be worse and Nick Sirianni would be fired by now. But with Saquon Barkley hurdling backwards over the whole entire league on his way to a future offensive player of the year award, The Eagles find themselves right back in the playoff hunt for another year while saving the coach nobody likes job. What’s even more surprising than the Eagles being good this year, is how bad the Cowboys are. Even Dak is on the sideline near the end of the game vs Atlanta saying, “we f****** suck.” Yes, Dak you guys do suck. But hey you don’t suck as much as The Giants, so you can take a little solace in knowing that…

At the halfway point of the 2024 NFL season it’s safe to say we know nothing. By we I mean me… But that’s a common occurrence year after year. On average 6 teams that make the playoffs the year before miss it the next year. It’s a shocking stat but it's not surprising given the NFL’s plague of injuries, scheduling, draft system, salary cap and just general unpredictability of the sport. But that’s what makes the NFL so great. Every year you think your team has a chance. Take the Vikings for example, they were supposed to be bottom of the barrel in the NFC North and they are still in the hunt to be tops in the NFC and on the other side of the spectrum Jets were supposed to be tops in the AFC East and they are staring down a top 10 pick. I’m sure the Jets fans will be completely understanding if they have another top 10 pick this year.

As I bring this to a close and we crawl our way out of my cranium to never be same again after watching Danny Ocean strut back and forth down my corpus callosum for hours on end wearing nothing but a white suit jacket with an exposed... Woah, woah, woah, I’m sorry I just got extremely distracted for some reason. But It got me thinking what do we actually know about the unpredictable NFL? I think we can make a safe assumption that The Patriots and Panthers are bad, The Lions are good and The Chiefs will make the playoffs. Now I know that’s going out on a limb given the way The Chiefs have played over the first half of the season but I kind of have this strange feeling…

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy The Second Half Of The Season.

Vikingious Expectations

Going into this season I asked everyone of my friends who are fans of the Minnesota Vikings, how they thought their team was going to fair this year in the overcrowded NFC North and they all gave the same sort of answer,

“3-14 would be a solid year.”

“I’d take 5 wins.”

“With Sam Darnold at the helm, 4 wins would be a great year.”

“Hopefully we suck just enough to get the first overall pick.”

“Wait Minnesota has a football team?”

So, you would think they would be through the moon with this start to the season. Well, you would be 100% wrong. Ahhh I’m just kidding. I just wrote that sentence to ruffle a few feathers. For the first time in my life I’m seeing a new Vikings fan, one who is full of understanding and positivity by saying things like,

“Come on guys, if Sam Darnold leads us to promise land great, if not we will have an early pick to surround the team with more talent to make a run at it next year with our new young quarterback.”

Confusing I know… Most years all I hear echoing through our great lakes is a Tom Cruise cocktail of ignorance and negativity. But this sudden change of attitude must have to do with the fact that the team had zero expectations headed into the year but nonetheless, it’s the shock of my lifetime time. Over the past 5 years I’ve heard nothing but complaining from the Vikings fan base,

“How will Kirk mess it up this year.”

“13-4… We will probably choke in the playoffs.”

“I can throw a better ball than Kirk.”

“How the hell did we lose a home playoff game to Daniel Jones of all people?”

“Kirk sucks, fire everyone.”

“You guys are yanking my chain. Minnesota really has a football team?”

They were right about at least one thing… How did you lose to Daniel Jones in the playoffs? For the most part they have earned the right to be negative. The Vikings always have found a way to either choke away a playoff chance due to a kicking mishap or be stuck in .500 purgatory. Two places that will anger any fan base. I will never forget when Blair Walsh missed a game winning 27-yard chip shot in the 2015 playoffs against the Seattle Seahawks on a day where wind chills were reaching close to the negative 30’s. I was at that game, drinking a Miller Lite slushy as I was stuck to an ice-cold metal bleacher seat, watching winter hats and mittens rain down on a slumped shouldered Walsh, listening to fans spit out language that would even make Quentin Tarantino say,

“Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? I don’t even think Jules Winnfield would have said that.”

It was at this point that I learned that maybe that whole Minnesota nice thing doesn’t apply to our sports franchises.

With expectations this year lower than the resting place of Edmund Fitzgerald, it’s nice to see a new side of Vikings fans, one full of compassion and understanding. Well so far… There is no denying it, the Vikings have been the Sam Darlings of the NFL season. The key part to the darling-fication of the Vikings has been their newly found shipwreck of a quarterback Sam Darnold. Darnolds career up to this point has been a combination of bad to worse to bad again to huh, there might be something here. Darnold has bounced around from team to team since being drafted 3rd overall by The New York Jets in 2018. But when Darnold started to see ghosts of Patriots players in New York, they shipped him off to the Carolina Panthers which to put politely, didn’t go well. But last year after signing with the 49ers as he was filling in for an injured Brock Purdy up in the Bay Area, something seemed different. He looked competent in the Kyle Shanahan offense by making good reads and good throws so much, so it landed him an opportunity with the Vikings, where he has fit right in. It does help that The Vikings head coach Kevin O’Connell comes from the same coaching tree as Kyle Shanahan, so it must have been an easy transition for the now NFL Journeyman.

Darnold has been spectacular this year. He has taken full advantage of his opportunity with an elite Vikings offensive roster, so much so that after Sunday night’s win over the silver fox Joe Flacco lead Indianapolis Colts the Vikings record has improved to a floating Pre-November 10th, 1976, Edmund Fitzgerald 6-2. The Vikings find themselves only a game back in the NFC North from the best team in the NFL Detroit Lions. But what comes with a 6-2 record and a game out of 1st place in the division? Well, I’m glad you asked. Expectations and we all know how ornery you Vikings fans can get when your team doesn’t live up to expectations. So, I implore you Minnesota to take it easy on this team if things do start to go post November 10th, 1976, Edmund Fitzgerald on you because you shouldn’t even be here in the first place. This was supposed to be a rebuilding year, but with a great defense, a competent quarterback and a receiver who is on goat pace, you have found yourself in the midst of playoff contention, exceeding every expectation you had.

Minnesota I'm proud of you so far. There has been little to no complaining this year. So, let's continue that trend by just enjoying this unexpected sail towards the playoffs. All is forgiven for past comments but we can also learn from those past comments that have been made to not repeat them in future because If I hear anyone in this deciduous state say anything remotely close to,

“Kevin O’Connell needs to be fired he can’t coach a pee-wee team let alone an NFL Franchise.”

“Sam Darnold sucks he should be kicked out of this league.”

“I can throw a ball better than Sam Darnold.”

“Even though we ran him out of town, I really wish Kirk Cousins was still here.”

"Sam Sucks. Fire Everyone."

“You guys weren’t joking; Minnesota actually does have a football team. I thought we built US Bank stadium solely for Taylor Swift Concerts.”

I’m going to start comparing you to Jets fans… That’s right you heard me… Jets Fans!

Thanks For Reading and Hopefully My Friends Are Still Talking To Me After They Read This…