The End Of A Season

I went to go open my Yahoo Fantasy app like I do every Wednesday throughout the football season to see if I got the guys, I wanted off the waivers and to see how many O’s and Q’s I have this week! But my joyful force of habit turned to sadness when I realized that I got a minor bronze congratulations for getting third in my fantasy league (humble brag) and I didn’t have a match up against one of degenerate friends. It is a sad day when you realize that football is almost over for the year, and we are stuck watching basketball and hockey into the middle of July. Because nothing says Stanley Cup Playoffs like watching my sweat evaporate before it hits the ground in 100-degree heat and sunshine. What are we doing with the NHL? We don’t need the NHL going into the middle of July who cares about hockey in July besides the state of Minnesota and the country of Canada. But neither of us have had a team in the cup final since the Reagan administration, don’t know if that’s true but it sounds right…. Anyways this weekend marks the end of the NFL season. No more 14 game parlays that never hit with a Luke Schoonmaker anytime touchdown added at the last second because you saw him do 14 pulls up without his shirt on and said this guy can’t be stopped, no more gambling on Thursday night overs with Al Micheals, no more talking down to your friends about there fantasy teams and how trash they are because they took Bijan Robinson with the 3rd overall pick… “how could Atlanta not use that guy more?” The season just comes to an abrupt halt like my weight loss goals for the new year, what’s a Mediterranean Diet and how am I supposed to stick to it if I can’t have my daily cheeseburger.   

But when one door slams shut on my weight loss goals three days into the new year another door swings open to a wild west playoff saloon serving nothing but grilled cheeseburgers… or however the old saying goes… The NFL Playoffs are right around the corner and boy o boy do we have some juicy Five Guy Burger potential match ups for Wild Card weekend. I must really be craving a burger. There is a chance that we will get Stafford and the LA Rams traveling to a 40-degree cooler Detroit for a giant matchup to see who won the war between Stafford and Goff. Detroit fans will be so lost on who to route for. Their team or their favorite QB of all time. What about if the Green Bay Packers head to Jerry World to take on the Cowboys. A matchup between two all time franchises but a matchup between a coach and his old team that fired him because an aging number 12 wearing QB said so… sorry, allegedly said so. With all these crazy match ups that could potential happen in the NFC for wild card weekend, Hell somehow the Matt Eberflus led Bears have a chance to make the playoffs. What even is a Matt Eberflus and where did he come from? There is one team in the NFC that won’t have to worry about a thing besides getting Christian McCaffrey’s calf healthy and that’s the 49ers. I thought it was funny that Christian MaCaffrey had a calf injury. That could be a bestselling children’s book “Christian McCaffrey and His Calf Injury.” The 49ers clinched the first-round bye last Sunday with a win over the depleted Commanders, so they will have time to rest for whatever match up heads their way. Hopefully it’s a real Culvers Butter Burger of a match up… It might be time for a burger.  

What about over in the AFC where the Chiefs could have a bunch of possible scenarios none of which are good. The Chiefs who have looked downright awful this year finally captured their 8th straight AFC title on Sunday and their reward might be playing a home game against Josh Allen and The Bills or the fast-swimming Dolphins. That’s some reward. Congrats on winning the division here’s a crap matchup. Speaking of the Dolphins and Bills, they play a game for the division on Sunday Night, a game that could knock The Bills out of the playoffs completely if they don’t win. That’s right there a scenario out there where Sean Mcdermott and his hijack loving Buffalo Bills don’t even make the playoffs. If you have to credit the 9/11 hijackers for being well coordinated in an attempt to motivate your team, you shouldn’t really be coaching in this league. There are countless other examples of coordination in the world to go off other than the 9/11 Hijackers. How about the Human body working as one to be able to digest the triple cheeseburger I just ate from Culvers, now that takes much more coordination than a few hijackers.

  I don’t think it matters if the Bills make the playoffs or any other team for that matter because the Ravens look borderline unbeatable in the AFC. Lamar has played better than ever and looks like he has the Ravens ready to make Super Bowl run for the first time in his career. With that being said, I don’t care how good you are, how confident you look and how bad the Chiefs were this year, there is no chance that any team wants to see Taylor Swift's tour bus parked outside their stadium as Travis Kelce’s 5 o’clock shadow and those bowed legs of Patrick Mahomes come waddling off that bus as they saunter into the stadium with that look in their eyes, you know… you know the look I’m talking about. A little combination of Derek Zoolander’s most famous looks Blue Steel mixed with Magnum, now that’s pure confidence. I’m sure Andy Reid and that mysterious mustache that makes him look like the Albert Einstein of play calling will cook up some burgers and some genius plays to confuse any defensive coordinator in the AFC, yes that includes you Lord Fangs. I would not count those guys out by any means. Especially with the billions of Swifties at their backs. Swifties can scream louder than any teams’ fans in the whole entire NFL, they are going to make impossible for Tua to hear play calls in his own stadium.

So, take a deep breath on Sunday and enjoy the last weekend of regular season football for the season. Enjoy the last week of your NFL playoff eliminated team. Enjoy all the back up QB’s that will be playing so the starters don’t get hurt, maybe throw a little passing yards over on Blaine Gabbert, the guy has sat behind two NFL greats over the last few years he had to pick up some tricks of the trade, plus he is playing an awful chargers pass defense… Enjoy the last 14 leg parlay your going to bet with a Chigoziem Okonkwo anytime touchdown. So, whatever you enjoy about the football season savor it this weekend, savor the memories with friends, savor the crack of an ice-cold Dr. Pepper right at kickoff, savor the last week of redzone channel, savor Scott Hanson yelling through my speakers “7 hours of commercial free football starts now”, savor that 6th slice of pizza from Papa John’s that you didn’t need but had to have because there was just enough garlic butter to dip it in, savor your team losing 70-20. But most of all just savor the moment because 9 months is a long time till the start of the next NFL season and a lot can happen between now and then.