Future Bet's With Future Brett.

“Hey Brett from the past it’s me Brett from the future. First of all, how are you?”

“I’m doing well. Wow that’s so kind of you to ask. I’m just sitting here, putting a few future bets together while gearing up for another football season. More importantly how are you future Brett? Did we finally find out if Emma the secretary on the 8^th floor likes us?”

“Yeah, we did.”

“And….?”

“No, no, she doesn’t. She thinks we are really weird."

"Damn... Really?"

"Yeah. I mean I can't imagine why. Maybe it's the fact that we haven't said two words to this women in the three years we have worked together and we should probably stop staring at her with drool cascading out the side of our mouth while talking to ourselves in the corner of the breakroom…”

“Well Shoot… I thought we had a real shot at that one.”

“Did you really? Then you are much more delusional than we thought. Anyways… Besides that, I’m good. But I’m a little worried about you?”

“Why is that future Brett? It can’t be because of one bad experience with a female.”

“No. We have plenty of those… I’m just wondering if you have lost your God damn Mind!”

“No, I don’t think so…”

“Then can you tell me why the actual fuck you put $50 on the Jacksonville Jaguars to win the fucking Super Bowl!!! Do you want to bankrupt us?”

“I tho-tho-tho thought that it was…”

“Stop! Just Stop! I’m going to need you to stop thinking that Trevor Lawrence can lead the Jags to a Super Bowl let alone get through the gauntlet that is the AFC. By the way I can those speech therapy classes from a few years ago are really working. You need to get your ass back into speech therapy to fix that stutter. You’re really embarrassing us at work.”

“Little bit harsh don’t you think future Brett?”

“No not at all. Anyone that puts $50 on the Jags to win the Super Bowl needs to get a psych evaluation immediately. I need you to get your shit together. Otherwise, we are going to end up broke, homeless and alone. Well let’s be honest either way we’re going to end up alone if you don’t stop drooling over secretaries that are sixes at best.”

“Really a six? You think Emma is a six?

"Yes... At best."

"And you don’t think we can land a six?”

“Not if you don’t pick your slobber up off the floor you bumbling idiot. Anyways, that’s what you took from that? Not the fact you put a weeks’ worth of food on a quarterback that has better hair than all the women you have ever dated and a coach that can’t pronounce Duval without sounding and looking like a serial killer!”

“But he’s the new whiz-kid...”

“But nothing! 

“Now I know I’ve been a bit harsh past Brett.”

“A Bit? You pretty much compared me to a babbling brook.”

“I would say a babbling brook has more brain cells than you. But I’m going to need you to clean out those ears that you and I both know haven’t been touched since the 8^th grade and listen up.”

“Ok, ok. Let me grab a pen and paper so I can write this down… I know it’s somewhere in this drawer. Well, it’s not behind the Minions Pez dispenser. Shoot. Hmm… Maybe it’s next to the Dick Trickle rookie card.”

“Oh, for fuck sake… and while I’m here, throw away that Pez dispenser. Thing has collected more dust than that bookshelf that you supposedly read from.”

“Ah Found it. Go ahead future me.”

“Wait… What the fuck is that?

"What? It's the Minnesota Rokkr notepad we got from one of those watch parties."

"You still have that thing?”

“Yeah. We sure do.”

"Oh, we are forsure dying alone..."

“Alright, let’s start off by saying you do have some good ideas for future bets.”

“A compliment? That’s strange coming from Mr. I can see the future.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. Even though I do like that you bet on every Jayden Daniels and Saquon Barkley under thinking there is no way they can repeat last season’s stats. Or the fact you bet the Saints would finish with the worst record in the league. These are good bets. But I’m not here to tell you about the good bets. I’m here to stop you from making grave mistake after grave mistake.”  

“Soooo yes, to betting on The Saints to stink?”

“Grab another Q-tip and listen up.”

“What? You said that was a good bet.”

“Now I know it seems like a good idea to bet on the Hawaii Rainbows to win the Mountain West since they are somehow favored against the Stanford Stoned Trees during their week 0 match up. Let’s just not do that and say we did. I have no problem with you betting on the midnight games because it’s always fun to have a little late-night action on the big island. But let’s not go putting a future down on the rainbows even though +2000 to win the conference isn’t the worst odds I’ve seen you bet on.”

“Ok, so yes to Hawaii games, no to Hawaii futures. Got It.”

“There is hope for you yet.” 

“Second. Let’s pump the breaks on the whole Denver Broncos to win the Super Bowl thing. I know on 08/16/25 you filled out a division winner spreadsheet with your buddy and you had Denver winning the Super Bowl.”

“How did you know that?”

“I’m you dip shit.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Yes, did they load up on both sides of the ball. Yes, that smug faced Sean Payton seems to know what he is doing. Yes, Denver has one of the best offensive lines in the league. Yes, Bo Nix looks good after year one. Oh shoot, on second thought. You might be right... Maybe you should bet the house on The Broncos to win the Super Bowl.”

“See future Brett. Not the worst idea when you break it down.”

“Damn it. I hate that you’re right. Let’s just forget I mentioned that one.”

“Third. Kyler Murray isn’t winning the NFL MVP. I know you bet on it last year and I was ok with that but let’s stay away from that head case who decides on the days he feels like running.”

“But this is going to be his year. He has skill position talent everywhere and another year of learning how to play with Marvin Harrison Jr.”

“Go get a brain scan. Right now, right fucking now!”

“Why? This seems like a great bet.”

“Why? Why is that a great bet? The guy has been quoted saying,”

 “I’m open to running more next year, just because it’s such a weapon, you know, it’s such a weapon.”

“No shit Kyler. Its year 6 and you’re just figuring this out now.”

“Come on future Brett, give the guy a break. I mean we aren’t the quickest learners.”

“Tell me about it… But give the guy a break? He has been playing Call of Duty for years now. He knows what a weapon is, and he is just figuring out now that his legs are lethal. I bet if you ask him what scope and barrel combo should go on his XM4 to maximize its potential during a 100-meter one-on-one fight in the foothills of Verdansk he would tell you in two seconds.”

“Hey at least he is learning. Better late than never is what I always say.”

“You have never said that in your life.”

“How do you know?”

“I’m not answering that question for the second time today. Just please stay away.”

“Alright, I will.”

 “Fourth and finally. I know how you (we) get attached to certain players throughout time.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Well for starters we had a severe man crush on Julio Jones for a good 8 years. It got so bad that every time he took the field NASA would call Minnesota state officials to check if there was a new Burj Khalifa being built from a resident’s crotch.”

“Oh, I forgot about that… what a specimen he was. Never could really score a touchdown (I blame Matt Ryan) but good god could he get open and get you yards when needed.”

“Ok, keep in your pants or Emaar Hospitality is going to call looking for investment opportunities.”

“I will. But I haven’t felt that way about a player in years.”

“Are you sure about that past Brett?”

“Ah yeah, pretty sure?”

“Does Patrick Mahomes ring any bells in that empty skull of yours?”

“Oh yeah… Now that I think about it, I have had a few butterflies in my stomach when I see those bowlegs waddle out onto the field. Hey, you know what future Brett?”

“Yes?”

“When you insult me, you’re actually insulting yourself.”

“Hmm? I never thought about it that way… I’m sure there is some deeper meaning there but who’s got time for that. This article is already getting way to long. People probably lost interest 3 paragraphs ago.”

“Now back to the important stuff. Your draft is coming up in couple days and I implore you not to take Patrick Mahomes in the 3^rd round like you have done in the last 5 seasons.”

“Don’t worry future Brett. I will not. I have learned my lesson.”

“Are you sure? Because we tend to tense up in the moment and just take him because our heart can’t take it if we see him on an opposing team.”

“Don’t worry I won’t… But he does have a full offseason with Xavier Worthy under his belt.”

“Oh No… Don’t…”

“And it’s probably Travis Kelce’s last season, so they are going to want to go out with a bang.”

“I’m warning you.”

“Rashed Rice is going to be back for a little while before and after a minor stint in jail.”

“You’re going to do it aren’t you.”

“You know what? I talked myself into it! I’m taking Mahomes in the 3^rd.

“Oh, Fuck Off!”

Thanks For Reading & Good Luck With Your Future Bets!