A Cowboys First Time

This morning as I was showering, I reached for the Apollo Axe body wash, grabbed it, squeezed a glob on to my hand and started playing with it like Robin Williams in Flubber… You know, like any grown man normally does, but instead of lathering it all over my body which smelt like regret from the previous days diet of 3 Diet Dr. Peppers, a frozen pizza and a (or two) chocolate doughnuts with Halloween themed sprinkles from Cub Foods bakery, I accidentally put the lady deterrent in my 1980’s Danny Noonan styled hair. I didn’t realize what I had done until my hair started to smell and feel like a 7th inning bathroom urinal cake at a Milwaukee Brewers game on dollar daiquiri night… I don’t know if I was tired from staying up too late watching Aaron Rodgers blow yet another late game comeback attempt because Mike Williams can’t turn his head around for the second week in a row or if I was just groggy from all the preservatives in that 5th slice of frozen pizza I consumed. Ok 6th slice of frozen pizza I consumed… I don’t have the slightest clue what caused me to stick Axe Body wash in my hair, but it definitely was the first time I had ever done that in my life.

Which got me thinking of other first times in my life. Like the first time I drove a car with my knee while trying to unwrap a McDouble or the first time I brushed my teeth with Benadryl.

What? Why are you making a disgusted face while reading this? Oh, so I’m the weird one for thinking the pink cream in a white tube looked like bubblegum flavored toothpaste. You try telling the difference between toothpaste and Benadryl after a night out in northern Minnesota bar doing nothing but shots of Goldschläger out of an ice luge…

Where was I? Oh yeah, first times. This is the first time that I can remember the Dallas Cowboys having zero, zilch, nada, diddly-squat, zippo, a goose eggs worth of Super Bowl expectations. After the Lions took a 47-point light saber to Jerry Jones evil empire on Sunday, The Cowboys Super Bowl odds fell from +1800 at the beginning of the season to a staggering +3500 now. That puts them below teams like the Kirk Cousins torn Achilles lead Atlanta Falcons (+2500) and the Aaron Rodgers torn Achilles lead New York Jets (+3000). If you thought that was bad it gets worse, The Cowboys also have a 2-4 record which ties with the Danny Jones lead New York Giants for last place in the NFC East.

But even that’s not the worse news, The Washington Commanders who have been awful since my existence on this planet are now atop the NFC East with a 4-2 record and may have found the one thing everyone is chasing: a quarterback. The Cowboys have been walking through that division for the last umpteenth years and after one draft The Commanders already look better than the Cowboys have in a decade. Which must just drive Jerry Jones mad so much so that… has anyone looked in outer space lately? There isn’t a handful of cranes just hanging out at the Home Depot on the corner of Orion’s Belt and The Big Dipper is there? I’m a little concerned that Jerry might actually be building a Death Star just so he can destroy Northwest Stadium in Washington D.C. On second thought, you go for it Jerry, you would be doing us all a favor, that stadium is awful.

I’m sure being a Dallas quarterback comes with its perks. You get to throw to great wide receivers that wear #88, you get to eat at any the fine Dallas steakhouse for free, you get to date Jessica Simpson after the MTV show newly weds and you can get any media job you want once you tie a bow on your career. It’s not all “Boots Are Made For Walkin’” through flat fields of roses and daisy’s being the Cowboys quarterback it also comes with a few bumps and a couple spurs in your back from being a stomping bag for Jerry’s problems. You see what I did there? Jessica Simpson made a song called “Boots are made… for…” ahhh you get it I don’t need to explain it…

Since that joke went so well, I think I’ll try a whole set for the first time…

I don’t think Dak deserves all the criticism this time around. The Cowboys are 3rd in the league in passing yards even with being ranked 32nd in rushing. Zeke should be eating in an offense with that kind of passing attack. He must be full from all the yards he had with the Patriots…

“No Rim Shot? Really? Damn I thought that was a good one…”

But a Zeke full on yards isn’t the only problem in big D. The Cowboys are ranked 24th in total team defense by giving up 356 yards per game. Which includes a staggering 143 yards rushing per game. I wonder if Zeke eats more during practice against that mouthwatering rush defense.

“Ba dum tshh…” “Nailed it.”

Now I know Micah Parsons is hurt and that’s a giant loss, but that’s not an excuse for being at the bottom of the barrel in rushing yards given up. There are more holes in that defensive line than a pair of jeans from Hollister…

“Booooo!”

 “I deserve that; that joke was forced.”

This is not the Mike Zimmer coached defense I remember from his years with the Vikings, far from it. Mike Zimmer led defenses used to even make prime, roll out, 60-yard flick passing Aaron Rodgers crumble to his knees. But now quarterbacks aren’t crumbling against Zimmer they are baking overpriced crumbled cookies in Jerry’s house.

“Booo! Get off the stage!”

“Well, my first time trying comedy didn’t go well…"

I don’t know what you do if you’re The Cowboys. All the pieces are there. But going on Dallas local radio and threatening to fire a radio host because you don’t like his questioning is not the answer... Jerry. It’s not like they aren’t trying to get better. Jerry just spent almost half a billion dollars on a quarterback and maybe the best wide receiver in the league. But when it comes to America’s Team that’s not enough. The fans in Dallas are unruly when it comes to their team being 2-4. Hell, they are unruly when the team is 6-0. I get it! Trust me, I do. You have the team; you have quarterback, and you are last place in the division. But take it from a Denver Broncos fan who has had a real rough go of it lately with the whole Russell Wilson debacle, it might be time to start tempering expectations a little, otherwise you might end up brushing your teeth with Benadryl and putting Axe body wash in your hair for the first time…

Thanks For Reading and Watch Out For Falling Death Star Debris…